The Real Filtered Me

Are you ready for a long, rambly post where I contemplate the real me vs. the online me? This is the challenge prompt for today on Blog-tember. Perhaps you need to pour your self a big cup of tea or coffee and settle in cause this post is a doozy.   I hope you have been enjoying this series of posts and my influx of posts this month.

My favorite blogger of all time is Queen Lacie. Dear Queen Lacie, I've missed your posts. Please post soon! I want to know what antics Gemma has been up to as of late. When Lacie posts you know you are in for a dose of reality. Most of the time it is hilarious. She is effective in conveying the humor in whatever circumstances she finds herself in whether it's her daughter taking a giant poop on the grass because the only other option was a port a pottie that hadn't been cleaned since 1984, or only after wiping the crumbs from her face after eating two cake pops in her car realizing she had given up eating dessert for lent, or the series of outfits picked by her daughter. She will post unflattering pictures of herself. She's okay with taking a late night trip to Taco Bell in her pink onesie.

I'd love to emulate that style but honestly that's not me either.

I'd like to think what I post online is the real me, but obviously as with any story we tell there is always a filter. Additionally the medium affects the message along with our comfort level with that medium. How's that for a little Marshall Mcluhan. Sometimes I will come back to a post and if I think I have characterized someone negatively I will edit that post because what if they read it? Would they be offended? Is it really necessary for me to tell? Or if I've been a little pompous I'll cut out bits. I am in a constant process of revision. I am probably my biggest reader.  For me blogging is a reflective act. I edit myself in real life too; I think it is part of growth to be able to reflect, recognize your shortcomings and make changes or amends.

Mostly when I post it is not really well thought out.  It's a rough draft of sorts. But then I run my life a little like that also. I make adjustments on the go or afterwards. I'm not a pro blogger by any stretch of the imagination with my own photographer on staff, scheduled posts, editor, sponsored posts. I sometimes think I should really curate some content. You know like those who specialize in how to posts, or get the latest scoop here, or this is the best way to experience this, but that's not me either. I think great idea Rhonda! I'll build a bigger audience, but in truth that's not what I really want. I don't want to stand at the front of the podium facing a sea of onlookers. Rather I want to connect with others. Part of connecting with others is being as real as possible within the present circumstances.

I'm trying to understand for myself why I like blogging over other social media platforms. In this post I am considering the real online version of me to be my blogging self versus other social media platforms. Instagram runs a close second as it is kind of like a mini-blog. I really don't have a huge following-- maybe a handful of people that read my blog and perhaps 160 some followers on my instagram account ever.rhonda.  I'm not a success story by any means and yet I love to blog. A few friends and family members have mentioned they have read a post or two on my blog. No "official followers" according to my stats page but through this challenge two now on bloglovin! I really only know of one friend who keeps a blog of her own. More than having followers, I'd love it if the people who followed me also have their blogs of their own and shared their lives with me. Or if they don't have blogs comment and shared their own experiences.

I used to think Facebook was pretty fabulous when we used to post on other people's walls. We used to seek out friends to have a conversation with, to plan something with. Now we just post on our own wall or like things or scroll through ridiculous filler, or share videos without a context. For instance I shared a video this morning of an illegal turn in my community that people often make, myself in the past also, that now will be ticketed to the tune of $220.  I didn't know it was illegal and thought other people would also not know but I never shared my reason for posting it. I just shared it. In truth I really do not want it to hang out on my wall for the next year because it does not really reflect me. However a visitor to my wall could rightly assume that it does reflect me for whatever reason. In this sense I am not my real me on Facebook.  I feel disallusioned with facebook and apathetic about posting real thoughts because to get a response my posts should be sensational or re-sharing content. There is little opportunity to delve into a topic on facebook, to explore its true worth. Perhaps in time blogging would also follow this vein of apathy,  if I were to allow myself as some bloggers have to seek a response in every post or become a site that just shares others content through recommended links.  Those are the most annoying posts in my opinion where it is just a post of hey here are some great links for you to view on your weekend. Happy Friday!

I have been a loyal user of Instagram for some time. I like the connections that happen when those we might follow might also follow us and through pictures we share a snapshot of our lives. I need to remind myself to cull my following of those who will likely never connect with me because how disappointing is it to comment on someone's post and then never have them ever ever ever interact with you. Snobs! Through Instagram I was able to connect with others going through infertility and both mourn & celebrate with them. I'm feeling a slight disconnect however with Instagram as more and more advertising posts appear in my feed.  I will never likely have a relationship with Audi, Nordstrom or Fido Mobile. Instagram does usher in a comparative aspect that can allow envy to grow or dissatisfaction with our less than glamorous current experience. Blogs in a sense can also, but I think those blogs while they may have their follows are not the ones we look for first when we open our browsers. We seek out the ones that make us think, laugh, grow, smile, cheer another on and cry.

Twitter is really the only other social platform I engage in. I opened a Twitter account because I also had to contribute to one at work. I thought if I had my own personal account I could become more proficient. I find however that Twitter works better for organizations and that it was easier to prepare posts for work than to contribute to my own personal account. So largely my account on Twitter is un-utilized. I do occasionally access it however because I find it quicker than the news when I want to find out information. I wouldn't say my online presence on Twitter is an accurate representaton of who I am.

Mostly I like blogging because a blog allows for a more complete story to emerge- a deeper view into someone's thinking. I love personal essays, which is a form of story telling. I think personal essays are my favorite form of literature. And while I'd love to connect with others through blogging if even I'm able to connect with myself and process my own thoughts, share my joy, and reflect on my experiences that has value.

Not all of my posts are rosy, glorious, or even joyous especially the ones when I wrestled with adoption and infertility. Lately my posts have been a little more upbeat because I'm generally in a positive frame of mind and excited about the near future. I likely will have some dismal posts that follow. Sometimes on our dismal days we really do not feel like posting online or even sharing with someone over coffee in real life. Some people have commented that they do not show the messy parts of their life, the credit card debt, or the fights with their spouses. I think that even though that is a part of you just because you don't post every misery online does not mean you are any less authentic or that there is a complete disconnect between your online and real world life. In real life even I don't always share all the bits and pieces of me, I filter out the mundane and the deep painful bits until I am ready to share those or they fit the circumstances. If sharing those messy parts allows for reflection I'm all for it or if it is shared with humor how can that not be a great read? Or a great way to document your growth? It's good to show a balance. Just as it would be burdensome to always read someone's misery an overdose of glee can be off putting. We become invested in people who show us the ups and downs. It's a reminder to myself to not just show the highlight reel. All great personal writing involve some conflict, something the protagonist has wrestled with, some character flaw.


While I love to be a part of a blogging community- where we comment on each other's days, perhaps participate in something together, most importantly I recognize the value in a blog being a place to tackle my thoughts, and share my day to day musings like a journal.  It is likely a little odd to have an online journal of sorts. And so as a journal of sorts it is the real me that appears in those posts, filtered, but real. A cup of water is no less real after being filtered after all, the editing just makes it better. I aim to have the real me conveyed through this blog, this online version of me.