FET Transfer

On Friday this precious one was transferred into my uterus. The embryologist gave me a photo before. I put the photo up on my fridge as soon as I got home.

 

He asked if I had any questions and because my legs were up in stirrups and there was also a doctor and a nurse in the room and my bladder was full for the ultrasound my mind was blank to ask deep thought out questions. So all I know is that it looks a little squishy because it just was thawed and that they only thawed one embryo. We have 5 remaining frozen.

I thought originally of staying in Calgary and watching movies in a hotel bed ordering room service and being blissfully lazy, but L just finished night shifts and was home after a week away so I drove the three hours home. We went out for Vietnamese after to celebrate and went for a walk afterwards.

Saturday I ran errands, did laundry, made cookies, assembled all my travel receipts from medical appointments for my income tax, and went out with Logan's parents and family in from out of town. Then we played board games for several hours afterwards. So I may have overdone it the last two days. 

Its hard to say what to do afterwards, some say to be on bed rest for two days and others say to continue on with their normal life. I did the normal life this time. I hope this little one sticks around.

Today I decided to put my feet up however as it is Sunday and read, watch videos and eat pineapple cores. I'm not sure pineapple cores work for implantation but hey there's no harm in trying and I like pineapple. L is studying for an important presentation at work where if he presents this next weekend and is graded well will get a raise! Yay!

Let's Read Wild: A Book With One Word Title & Projected Due Date

So I finally got around to watching the video Wild yesterday evening. I've been waiting a long time for it to be released on iTunes to rent. I read the book eons ago or was that just two months ago in February? I miss RedBox and being able to rent for $1.99 or free on Thursdays. That was great. We don't have TV service that we subscribe to or Netflix so if I want to see a show it is either in the theatre or to rent on iTunes for $3.99. If it is in the theatre it is with L which means it is sci-fi or if I am lucky I can drag him to an action flick or sometimes an Indy movie at the historic Monarch theatre on the 5&5 deal. $5 for a ticket and $5 for popcorn and pop. So I miss out on chick flicks and dramas. I have a lineup to watch. 

I loved the book Wild! And the movie was equally great even though it was over so soon. I wanted more. Reece Witherspoon was great in this role. I would love and yet be entirely scared to hike the Pacific Coast Trail. I'd be afraid of bears, rattlers, dirty water, no water, getting lost, scary men. 

I found myself in a nervy situation the other day when on one of my adventures of investigating neighborhoods I encountered some men that made leering calls at me and were quite scary. I quickly found my car, got in, locked the doors saw the one guy following me in my rear view mirror and peeled out of there. 

I get walking a 1000 km to vanquish all that haunts you, the mistakes you've made and to find courage in yourself again. To find yourself again. It's easy to lose yourself. To feel all tangled up and anxious. To just be uncomfortable in your own life. I've felt that way often. Twice I escaped and went off for a year to a new city to study. That was good for my soul. I never felt so alive as then, or so broke. It was cartharic and I journaled my agonies and cried so much those years it is a wonder I enjoyed those years so deeply. 

There is a list of books that Cheryl read along the PCT that I am curious to read. I haven't read much in the past few weeks even though I've had more time than ever to read now that I am not working. I guess I'm a little on edge right now and find it hard to relax into a good read. Thinking about selling the home and being a slight bit overwhelmed at selling it, cleaning it and having it ready to show at all times. Thinking about our impending transfer for our frozen embryo transfer this Friday. Earlier this week I was up before the sunrise to make the three hour drive to Calgary for my 9 am appointment for ultrasound. I always like to get there a little sooner in case of construction or traffic. I brought a book along in case I had extra time but didn't even crack the cover. I just stared out the window at the clinic until they called my name and I had to derobe from the waist down and lie on the gurney with the paper sheet. It was Dr. Greene presiding. I passed my ultrasound with a 9.7 mm lining. It needs to be at least 8 mm. Then I ran some errands and ended up at my brothers. I was glad he had the day off. Then the three hour long ride home and finally to bed. 

It's exciting and yet I am trying to not be swept up in it too much as dreaming too high has a harder landing if it does not work out. L is resigned in this process. I'd hoped he would have taken Thursday night off to join me Friday but I think he's afraid to hope. So it's just me on that gurney. Today they are supposed to call me with the time of my transfer. They will only put one embryo in. I asked how many they thaw and Caroline my nurse said they only thaw one at a time and if that one does not make it they thaw a second. Anything they thaw they have to use she said. I was glad to hear this. I'm hoping we have another chance at this again to hopefully have a second or third child. I plugged in my dates in the FET calculator and friends look at what I got!!!

It says singleton due date January 9! So exciting! I tried to be like Mary and treasure all these things in her heart but I couldn't as soon as my mom called I spilled the news or I told her to guess the date. And guess what?! She guessed January 9th. Your probably wondering why I'm going on about this. That's my birthday! I know babies rarely come on their due dates but I thought it was exciting nevertheless and hopefully a good sign. 

Anyways wish me luck for Friday! Prayers appreciated too. 

Fox & Rabbit Help Needed

Hi all!

When I was in Grande Prairie I saw these amazing plates at the Dream Home. I love them! Please help me by commenting if you have seen them in a store (or if you are from Grande Prairie and happen to re-visit the Dream Home) as I would like to purchase these but do not know where they are from.

Aren't they the cutest?!  I mentioned them to someone and they said who would want to eat off a plate with a rabbit or fox. I totally disagree. They are the best. So there! 

Also this kitchen was pretty amazing! I wouldn't mind cooking up a storm in here and having a dinner party or two.

Plus did you see how they hung those drapes in the dining room! (See photo 3 of this post) Design inspiration alert! I totally have the same windows in my kitchen. A big window and then this really awkward one beside with a door. I wondered do you make a small curtain or not for it. Now I know! As my house is almost for sale right now...I am just waiting for the listing to be validated I probably won't try to make new curtains for this place but I will take this knowledge on my next adventure.

8/9/2015 Update: Thank you LS for messaging me where to find the plates!! These Dapper Animal Plates designed by Rachel Kozlowski have been purchased from West Elm, delivered and now are waiting to be unwrapped and for a party to be planned. I love them! When I purchased only the fox and rabbit was in stock now I see that the doe and owl are also. I just love the owl and may have to add him to my collection.

Easter Visit to the Farm

I hope everyone had a great Easter! This year I travelled to the farm to see my parents. I even had time to see some good friends in the city on the way.

It has been over two years since I was home to the farm so it was good to be back. My mum and dad were overjoyed to have me there.

Here is a quick recap of my Easter vacation.

It was a long drive that seemed to last forever but arriving made it all worthwhile and catching up with a good friend who hosted me for the night.

I was so excited to see my beautiful friends! I miss their tales and laughter. We had the yummiest brunch ever with lemon pancakes Saturday morning! Mmmm delicious!

Then I was en-route to the farm.

On Sunday I made a mini Easter hunt for mum and dad before Easter service at their local church. It was hilarious to see them hunting for their Lindor chocolate rabbits. Mum made my favourite traditional Easter bread, Paska!

We walked every day sometimes along the edge of the fields and other times at the nearby parks. 

I love visiting Dunvegan and walking among the maples. I'm always curious about the old buildings and wish I could explore them. In season Dunvegan is a beautiful place to visit and I always love the ice cream cone on a hot day. We even ran into old friends at the park.

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We went for brunch (one of both my parents and my favourite meals to go out for) twice!

We visited our adopted grandma in the seniors home along with my mum's eldest brother and wife.

We dreamed about winning the dream home.

And took some funny photos!

L flew in mid-week to join me at the farm. 

Dad took him to scout out a local auction while mum took me shopping for treasures at antique stores an hours drive away.

We went swimming and out for pie. Home-made Saskatoon pie is definitely a must when visiting!

We watched old movies in the evenings and ate popcorn.

And most of all we had a great time with my parents.

Let's Read: A Book with Antonyms in the Title

I still remember learning about antonyms from my grade two teacher, Mrs. H. She was ferocious.  I was a little intimidated by her. She loved my older brother whom she called Robbie. Robbie just may have been a golden student. I did not realize until many years afterwards when I found my report cards from elementary school how average of a student I was.

I picked up this title, Lost & Found, at Chapters during my last visit to Calgary for my appointment at the Regional Fertility Clinic.  It provided company while I was last in Regina.  I thought it fitting that the story opened with little Millie waiting in the mall for her mother to return as I began the novel while sipping a tea in a coffee shop in the mall.  Millie waiting for he mother to return hiding under the ladies underware in the ladies department and leaving written messages for her mother to find her was both comic and poignant.  Her mother never returns, caught in her own grief, from Millie's father passing.

From there the story just ran to the absurd as Karl the touch typist, an elderly man who is on the run from a senior's home, joins her cause in finding her mother. And then Agatha Pantha, an elderly shut-in woman who has shielded herself from the world since her husband's passing also joins the foray. Agatha was an interesting character, dumping the grief casseroles on the footpath outside her home, measuring daily her wrinkles, yelling commentaries of daily occurances as seen through her window.

The Toronto Star sums up the book,  "A story of grief, where young and the old are regarded with sympathy; the villains are middle-class adults."

Karl gets in a few too many unbelievable fights.  I would not recommend you race out and purchase this book even though it has a lovely display, a graphically pleasing cover aesthetic, and is recommended by Chapter's staff with the big sticker on the front cover. If you do decide to read please share your take on this novel. I would love to hear if you also agree it was a little unbelievable or if you disagree with my take please leave any otherwise reasonings as to why I should re-evaluate my two star rating.

Adoption Delays

I just shake my head some days and resign myself to this drawn out process called adoption. My hope diminishes. 

Today I received an email from Christian Adoption Services that the government is requesting L have Criminal Records Checks completed. I am a little confused because we both had these completed for our update and sent in to Christian Adoption Services in Calgary in December. One needs to have an update every year to their Homestudy and pay around $600 for this update along with renewing police checks and child welfare checks. Since I only received the copy of the update to our homestudy in the mail today I looked it over and noticed that they inadvertently made a typo blooper / omission on the submission for our homestudy update to the government with regards to our updated criminal records and intervention checks on files so that that section reads: 

Criminal Record Check- R... Batiuk: clear, as of December 19, 2014

Intervention Record Check- L...Batiuk: clear, as of January 2, 2015

Criminal Record Check- R... Batiuk: clear, as of December 19, 2014

Intervention Record Check- L...Batiuk: clear, as of January 2, 2015

This is frustrating. 

I guess this will mean new checks to be completed which will take up to five weeks. Then to send in. Usually I send in by express. Then it will take CAS a week or so to re type this page and sign it and a week to send it snail mail back to our home for us to sign. We will sign and send in. Hopefully L is not in SK or that will be another week for us to resend back. Then it will be finally sent in again to the government. So we are looking at an approximate 8 week delay on this blooper. 

By approximately May this update may reach the government and then it will likely be June before it is approved. Previously this would have been sent to Taiwan but now I am not sure as CAS is handling the adoptions for TXE in Canada. By October we will start this whole process again. At some point we will say that this is ridiculous. And give up. Or the tides will change and we will finally receive a proposal for a precious child. 

Hopefully the tides will change before L says enough is enough. Every so often he asks me if I will be okay if it is just us two and we never have kids. I know he is disappointed too and trying to cheer me up. He says we can travel and if we never have kids our nephews will inherit our estates. It seems so far off to even think of leaving an inheritance to someone and bleek. I still want to hold onto the hope of having a family.

I was really excited by adoption when I first imagined it. I imagined a multicultural family. I was excited to learn about other cultures and raise my children with a global world view. I thought we would have little travellers that would accompany L and I on our adventures. I was even excited to think about learning other languages. I thought we would visit their home country often over the years. I was so excited when we first decided on Russia as the country we would adopt from but to also open a file with an Asian country if possible. And so we had permission to adopt from Russia and we're excited to learn in as little as a year we might have a proposal. We found an agency in Taiwan that we were equally excited for but also skeptical as we sent in an application but heard nothing for months. We thought initially we were being smart and if possible we could have a toddler home from Russia while we were just finishing up the paperwork for a secound adoption and that possibly by the time the first adoption was complete we would have a proposal for a second adoption. Meanwhile we received a letter from the Canadian Government that our file with Russia would be closed because of an international disagreement between the USA and Russia and now also Canada. By this time we had heard word from TXE that we were a number on the list. We no longer know where we stand on any actual list as the agency has changed with further accreditation so now we rely on CAS where we initially started by taking a course on international adoption following a miscarriage after fertility treatment in 2011. Sometimes I wonder if I should re contact the organization in Taiwan or just trust CAS will work on our behalf. CAS told us some time ago that we were at the top of the list. But are we really? I wonder sometimes if I should make the split from CAS despite the years and thousands of dollars we have spent and start afresh with another agency. 

I really would love to be a mom. I would love to have children, to love, to watch them grow, to see the world through their eyes, to care for, to laugh with. 

I do not know if we will ever conquer infertility despite my hope and all the effort I pour into reading medical texts, arranging treatment, injecting myself with fertility drugs. I just thought by now adoption would have come through for us and I would not have had to face the fact that L might be right --it may be just the two of us. I wanted more than one child and now I wonder if I will ever have any. I thought if by some miracle I was able to carry a baby that with adoption I could have at least another or two more. 

And yet. I need to raise my head above my present circumstances. To have faith in the face of frustration. To realize that despite human limitations that God is ultimately in control. That while infertlity and adoption are my present reality there is a bigger reality. 

Home Tour

Welcome to my home!

I have been busy getting my home ready for sale including taking pictures for our listing and so thought I would share here some of my extra photos plus commentary by me.  Also you are welcome to make an offer on my home.

From the front entrance you can go up to the main floor or down to the basement. 

This is the start of my globe collection. I love to travel.

Oh hey! there's a picture of L and I kissing.

                                     

I love to soak up the sun here and here on a sunny morning with a big cup of coffee.

I found these shoes in Bulgaria. And the vessel pot is from an artist when I worked as a project manager in an art gallery.

Main floor powder bath and laundry. The washer and dryer was the first purchase L and I made for this home. 

I painted this for L when we were dating. 

I love my kitchen. When we first moved in these walls were chocolate brown. I painted them Manhattan Mist by Behr. If I were to live here longer I may replace the tile backsplash. I sewed the curtains from table cloths from Target. 

Our bedroom is very large. That is a king size bed. I realize we are spoiled now when I think of buying another home because I do not know if our bedroom set will fit in most of the master bedrooms of typical homes. Our bedroom set we purchased from Costco. I purchased the retro poster prints of Hawaii on etsy. I wanted the room to have a tropical getaway feel but still be elegant.

We have a walk in closet and ensuite bath. If this were to be our forever home I would want to renovate the bathroom to make it a shower instead of a tub and replace the standard tile to something that was lighter in color. 

And that is the main floor home tour! Above the garage there are two bedrooms, a large linen closet, and full size bathroom. 

This bedroom I made into an office. I would have liked to have added shelving and maybe a cute pink chair.

Oh hey! It's one of my paintings I did of me as a little girl. And a plant pot that needs a plant.

I love to sew. Someday I would like to get back into sewing clothes. For now I just sew drapes and other small crafts. I made the drapes in this room.

This was intended to be the baby room. Someday we will have a baby either through infertility treatments or through adoption. I was always waiting to buy a crib until I had either passed week 12 of pregnancy or until we had a proposal through adoption. My parents painted these bedrooms for me on separate visits. I realized I really like white or cream painted rooms. 

I love this cabinet. I bought it at a local antique type store. I purchased the rabbit buggie from a seller from Norway on etsy. 

These rag dolls I purchased when in Montreal. The sad bear was purchased when I first learned I was pregnant but before I had the miscarriage.

L purchased these Asian paper cut-outs at a flee market when he was younger and I framed them but did not commit to hang them until I had a crib. The chair I found at a yard sale for $10.

And that is the end of the upstairs tour. Now for the basement. Here L spends most of his time when he is off work and home gaming or we watch movies. There are also two bedrooms for guests, a full bathroom and storage room. 

I may or may not have too many books. 

The colours in the basement are original. I have not painted down here yet. Again if we were to stay longer I would likely repaint and replace the tiles in the bathroom and by the bar sink.

And that is our home tour! Thanks for visiting!