Wherever You Are, Be Fully There.

 

 

I've been listening to the audio recording of One Thousand Gifts read by the author Ann Voskamp. If I were to answer what has brought me to tears lately this book would be it.  It is so heartfelt. Tears were leaking from my eyes the other day as we were eating lunch, listening, J looked at me perplexed & reached for me. I brushed the tears away and smiled, it's okay, baby. Because even though the telling in some chapters is sad, there is also so much hope, beauty, and joy in others. I am encouraged and inspired. "Wherever you are, be fully there." 

Lately J has been really clingy. If I so much as step out of the room or set her down to play on her own she's in tears. If I try to have someone hold her for a moment her lip quivers and she begins to cry. It is impossible to leave her at the nursery at moms group. Her tears lift in an instant when I pick her up & we dance around the kitchen. She babbles away happy. My floors need sweeping, I have boxes of books to yet haul in from the garage and go through, laundry to wash & fold, dishes to do, my to do list keeps growing. I've been holding her lots and was told repeatedly recently that I need to leave her, let her figure it out, work on having her be more independent. I was told I should go back to work, put her in daycare because this dependence was not good. It was bemoaning all this to my mom the other day and worried that perhaps what I was being told was true. I was feeling worn down. Where had my social butterfly gone? It was exhausting being needed so fully. My mom set me back on my feet in an instant. This is so good! It means she is forming healthy attachments. Really? Huh! And I remembered then a little of what we had learned when we were thinking about adoption. In a conversation my attitude shifted, I had felt close to tears myself, defeated, and now I realize what a gift this is. 

I read an article this evening on healthy attachment in babies. "Babies and toddlers who are securely attached will let you know it loud and clear... .So, while it may be disheartening to hear your baby’s cries, take heart in knowing it’s an indication they’re solidly attached... .If your baby seeks you out first when startled or scared, you’re on the right track... .Have you ever noticed that your baby continuously has their eye on you? While they may venture a little further when learning to crawl, or accept the arms of a stranger, they’ll only do so with your reassuring eyes... .Separation anxiety is distressing for everyone involved, particularly a new caregiver left with the daunting task of soothing a crying baby. While the upset may be extreme at times, your securely attached baby...will greet your return with smiles and reaching arms... .Parents of securely attached children tend to put in much more play-time than those who aren’t. ...While you may not enjoy hours of carpet time, simply chatting, smiling and stimulating your baby’s mind with books and music means you’re providing the social stimulation babies thrive on... .Some fear responding to their baby’s needs creates a dependent or “spoiled” child, but it’s quite the opposite. The trust that forms from healthy attachment leads to greater independence and a more self-assured older child." (1) Yay, to all that.

This book, One Thousand Gifts, and my mom's encouraging reminder have been such a boost for me this week. 

I love the photo above of the lioness with her cub. Beautiful. One day that little cub will be a lion. Lions are symbols of strength, courage, and leadership. I want my precious baby to one day be brave, a leader, a woman of strength & courage. 

Baby Food

Baby J turned six months on June 29. We have started to introduce her to real food. Today we tried avocado. 

I took a bunch of library books out on weaning/feeding purées. I really should have jotted notes but returned them to the library and now am relying on my memory. So by no means is this expert advice... In the exploratory phase or first month of introducing solids it is mostly about flavors, smells, and texture and that your baby will not be really getting any significant calories. From these books I took away  1) when: waiting until 6 months 2) how much: starting with first tastes of a teaspoon or two and building up to feeding up to two tablespoons 3) how often: starting with once a day in the afternoon and building up in a week or so to twice a day 4) what: introducing organic vegetables & fruits such as sweet potatoes, butternut squash, peas, carrots, broccoli, spinach, cauliflower, pear, apple, mango, & banana. Trying each for two days straight to see if there is any food allergies/reactions. Then after a few weeks combining some food profiles 5) & continuing to offer the same amount of breast milk or formula at regular feelings. 

I'm not sure I recall avocado on the list but baby J liked it & while I was eating it she was reaching for it & its real & healthy. I might try the beets I bought the other day too at the farmers market; even though I don't recall beets on the list. I can just imagine how messy that will be. 

The book I was really interested in reading Baby Led Weaning was already out, I requested it but it came in while I was on holidays so of course yesterday when I went to check if it was still being held for me I learned my hold had been cancelled. Sometimes I think Baby Led Weaning would be the way to go because of this...

 

Baby J is always trying to steal away the spoon, take the food off the spoon herself, or hold the spoon. It gets everywhere! Usually after she's tried a few bites I let her swing that spoon around, suck on it, comb her hair with it, bang on the edge of the high chair. Sometimes she gives it back and we try for a few more tastes. It is a great way to occupy her while we're eating but I'm not sure I'm teaching her good habits?

 

If you are thinking of buying a high chair the Mima Moon chair is really cool & stylish & has lots of fun features but is not really practical in terms of strapping your child in the five point harness as the straps are way too big!! Not cool. As a result we are using the slight recline option right now but then the tray is at an awkward angle for any food so we are not using the tray. As a result Baby J likes to rest her feet on top. Another minus for the Moon Chair is that the gorgeous leather cushion has a white fabric piping which already after only a few feeds is stained orange in one spot from sweet potatoes. I tried to spot clean it with a stain remover quickly after but it looks like it's there to stay. #rookiemomproblems

Somehow and I have no idea how she can bring those toes to her mouth so that after feeding less than a tablespoon of food we have food on the high chair, in her hair, on her face, the floor, her pants & shirt, and her socks. 

As we will be moving beyond first tastes shortly to a more regular schedule shortly do share any tips of the mom or dad trade you may have. What worked for you? Did you try Baby Led Weaning or just purées? Or both? What type of supplies would you recommend? 

February's Picture Perfect Project

Can it already be the second Thursday of the month and the second Picture Project Link Up? As you will recall I made the goal to learn how to use my DSLR camera and have a photo shoot of Baby J each week to document her growth.

How have I done? Well I still have not read lesson 2 on the online photography class I signed up for. It is a good thing it is a self-paced class and I have all the time in the world to complete. So I really do not have any new skills to showcase for you. These are lucky captures and thanks to a camera that reminds me that if I learned to actually use it would really blow my socks off since it is actually quite good without me already.

I also have a confession to make. I only managed a photo shoot of Baby J in weeks 3 and 5.

Here are weeks 3 and 5

How cute is that little tongue poking out?

How terrible am I for not having a one month photo shoot!! I over thought week 4. In my mind I had this idea of what I wanted to do and then baby J and I never left the house to go get the supplies I had in  mind and before I knew it we were in week 5. Time goes by so quickly with a new baby!

Join me again on the second Thursday of the month for my next photography link-up. Hopefully I will have a perfect score to showcase weeks 6-8 and actually learn a new skill or two with those photography lessons I paid for!

Check out my fellow photographers in this link up by clicking on the link below.

Torticollis

A few weeks ago I noticed Baby Batiuk has been having difficulty turning her head to the right. There is a tight corded muscle on the right of her neck. Increasingly I feel like her range of motion is decreasing. I am constantly trying to reposition her during the day. She fights it and cries. By evening I realize she needs her sleep and let her resort to her default position. I worry about her acquiring a flat spot on the side of her head from laying on that one side.

So I inquired of Doctor Google. My search led me to torticollis. 

tor·ti·col·lis

ˌtôrtiˈkälis/

noun

MEDICINE

noun: torticollis

early 19th century: modern Latin, from Latin tortus ‘crooked, twisted’ + collum ‘neck.’

What is torticollis? 

With torticollis the head will be tilted to one side while the chin is turned to the other side. It's also sometimes called wryneck. About 1 in 250 infants are born with torticollis. 

What causes congenital torticollis?

Congenital torticollis is most often due to tightness in the muscle that connects the breastbone and the collarbone to the skull. (It's called the sternocleidomastoid muscle). This is called congenital muscular torticollis. This tightness might have developed because of the way your baby was positioned in the uterus (with the head tilted to one side) or because the muscles were damaged during delivery.

Dr. Google can cause you to imagine the worst case scenario. I worry about facial asymmetries, developmental delays, learning disabilities and posture. 

I immediately contact our pediatrician and was able to get in that day. Yes he confirmed she had mild torticollis and referred me to a physio therapist (PT). I asked about cranial sacral therapy and a chiropractor and he cautioned against. I drove to the local physio therapy clinic immediately to learn they do not work with babies. They gave me a number in Regina to call. I called. I got the switch board and then an answering machine. 

Meanwhile our pediatrician called and left a message that he learned there was a PT at the local hospital who worked with infants so L picked up the referral and went to book the appointment. We waited for the appointment for a whole week. The Thursday appointment was not at all what we were expecting. Four mothers and babies waited outside a room in a dimly lit hall in the basement of the court house. We watched the clock tick past a quarter after ten and wondered if we had plugged enough change into the parking meters for our vehicles outside. Finally the PT said the projector was not working but we could come in and huddle around her laptop and watch the video. We came in and sat on mats around a tiny screen. The video that played was clearly made in the 80s espousing the importance of tummy time. This public service message felt patronizing. Of course we understand the importance of tummy time! What about if our child can't even turn their head to the center during tummy  time or is it good if they only do side lifts at tummy time? Is this strengthening the already tight muscle? It had little to do with torticollis but mentioned preventative measures for flat heads or plagiocephaly (asymmetrical head shape). It was so disappointing, I thought we would be learning exercises and that each of the moms there would have babies with torticollis that we could form a support group.

Then the PT assessed each of our babies for two minutes each measuring the range of motion each had and checking for flat spots. The first baby was clearly in the wrong class as he had full range of motion on one side and perhaps 90 % on the otherwise and no flat spots. He received a follow up appointment in April. The second had more of a flat spot and fairly good range of motion perhaps 80-90%. With a little tummy time the PT assured the mom he should be fine. He also received a follow up in April. I was next. Baby J has limited range of motion. The PT never told me the scores but when she started looking at her calendar for follow up tears welled up in my eyes. I asked isn't there someone who I can pay to provide therapy? Tears were running down my face. I didn't want to wait until April! Everything I have read online says to begin the therapy immediately and several times a week. She said she'd see what she could do and would call me later in the afternoon. 

Meanwhile the Regina number turned out to be another disappointment. The call back said I did not qualify for services in Regina because I belong to a different health region in Moose Jaw even though it is only a 35 minute drive away.  This is the thing about Canada. We may have free public health care but there is limited access because there is a lack of professionals providing services due to geographical limitations. The PT in Moose Jaw finally called back and now we have an appointment this afternoon.  I am hopeful but also not holding out much hope. 

I've researched a private clinic PT that works with torticollis babies in Saskatoon. Here I could pay for services. Unfortunately it is a two hour drive away. Time in the car seat makes her even more tight. I've also been looking at excercises recommended online. For someone who has trouble reading the directions on how to put a baby wearing wrap on and baby in this is very daunting. I still haven't mastered the baby k'tan after several tries. Baby Batiuk resists my fumbling attempts already at the recommended online exercises for torticollis already including rotation chin to shoulder and side bend stretches. I will continue to call private clinic PTs closer and ask if they provide care for infants.

Life Lately

Life lately is lived in fits and starts. I have been trying to utilize a schedule for baby J.

I think baby J has a fairly good grasp of the schedule it is just me that is having a hard time adjusting. L said this morning at 5 am that I was grouchy and should get some sleep. Haha.



Here is our schedule in case anyone is curious and commentary by me...

• 4 AM  The baby is waking up 
• Quick get out of bed, go to the washroom and warm a bottle of formula before baby is really awake. 
• 4:05 AM Change the Baby. 
• Now the baby is really awake. She is generally all smiles while getting changed. This happy state can change in the blink of an eye though when you pick her up. Now she wants to be fed instantly.
• 4:07 AM Feed the Baby
• 4:30 AM Baby is fed, burped and in a dreamy state. 
• Even though baby is in a dreamy state this does not mean she is ready to go back to bed. She would rather dreamily smile, play, be entertained by singing or stories for half an hour until her eyelids start to drop and she enters slumberland.
• 5:00 AM L's alarm has gone off. Thank the Lord L is making me freshly ground coffee! 
• L is getting ready for work. Can I help him make his lunch? Where are his keys? Did I see where he put that paper three weeks ago? 
• 5:45 AM L leaves for work. 
• Back to bed for me.
• 7 AM The baby is waking up. 
• Is it really 7 am already? Actually it is usually 6:30 am. 
• 7:05 AM Change the Baby.
• 7:07 AM Feed the Baby.
• 7:30 AM Baby is fed, burped and in a dreamy state.
• I'm so tired at this point baby comes back to bed with me. She loves being in our bed. Is it warmer? I don't know why but the instant she is in the middle of the bed all swaddled up she falls asleep. Yay! 
• 9:45 AM The baby is awake. 
• Thankfully when she awakes around 10 it is a slow stretching type of wake up. It takes her almost fifteen minutes to actually wake up. Sometimes I get up and get everything ready but sometimes we just hang out trying to wake up. 
• 10:00 AM Change the Baby.
• 10:07 AM Feed the Baby.
• 10:30 AM Playtime. 
• Playtime means anything and everything from singing songs, getting dressed in a new outfit, tummy time, sitting up and chatting or listening to music, having a bath. I have purchased a baby wrap so hopefully when it arrives in the mail this will also mean we can go outside for a walk. 
• 11:30 AM Naptime.
• Here comes the fits and starts. I jump into the shower or take a salt water bath. Get dressed. Eat something. Steralize bottles. Prepare some formula. Make some phone calls or emails. Check out social media or reading blogs.
• 1 PM Baby is waking up.
• 1:15 PM Baby is still waking up. 
• 1:20 PM Change the Baby.
• 1:27 PM Feed the Baby.
• 2:00 PM Playtime.
• 2:30 PM Naptime.
• This naptime may or may not actually happen at 2:30 PM. Baby fights going for a nap about now. Usually she falls asleep in my arms and it is best not to move her or she will wake.
• 4 PM Baby is awake.
• 4:05 PM Change the Baby.
• 4:07 PM Feed the Baby.
• 4:30 PM Playtime.
• 5:30 PM Naptime.
• The second fit and start of the day. This is when I need to quickly think of something to make for supper. Do laundry. Clean the living room and kitchen. Wash the dishes. 
• 6:30ish PM Baby is waking up.
• 6:35 PM Change the baby.
• 6:40 PM Feed the Baby
• 7:00 PM L is home from work and off to shower.
• If we are finished feeding then baby hangs out with me in the kitchen while I get the last touches of the meal together. Usually the meal is mostly ready from prior nap time.
• 7:15 PM Daddy helps out and it is time for dinner. L might help with holding the Baby or take over making dinner. 
• 7:30 PM Baby falls asleep in Daddy's arms.
• We watch an episode of a television series on dvd. 
• 8:30 PM L's bedtime. Baby is transferred to bassinet to sleep.
• 10:00 PM Baby is awake.
• 10:05 PM Change the Baby.
• 10:07 PM Feed the Baby.
• 10:30 PM Playtime
• This one is challenging for me because I am dead tired at this point and yet baby wants to play and is definitely not ready to go to sleep. Sometimes by 11 she falls asleep. Sometimes 11:30 PM. Sometimes midnight. I'm so happy when I finally am horizontal in bed.
• 1 AM Baby is awake.
• Oh my! When is it that babies sleep through the night? Am I going to survive this?
• 1:05 AM Change the Baby.
• 1:07 AM Feed the Baby.
• 1:30-2 AM Will the Baby go back to sleep?
• 2 AM Finally
• 4 AM Oh dear Lord! Is it 4 am already?!?

Here are some pictures of yesterday's fits and starts at around 5:30-6:30 PM...

L wanted me to make an apple pie two days ago...I finally found the ambition. The apples my mom brought from the Okanagan were starting to get soft. I could not find the rolling pin. A wine bottle from our realtor makes a great rolling pin in a pinch.

Yes my kitchen can really get this messy. 

I always know when the last time I did dishes was by the number of toothbrushes by the sink. L wanders when he brushes his teeth and leaves his tootbrush at the kitchen sink. I think it is kinda gross but old habits die hard. L would have brushed his teeth before bed and in the morning. This means the last time I washed dishes was yesterday before supper. Oye!

Dishes are done!

Pies are in the oven. 

When I make an apple or fruit pie I also make a quiche. Quiche are the easiest to make and one of my favorite items to eat. I have converted L to eating quiche. I make it so often I no longer use a recipe but if you want a great recipe google Quiche Lorraine for the basics. Here is a link to the best pie crust from Sally's Baking Addiction. I add in 6 or so eggs some milk, a handful of greens, a bit of chopped sausage, some grated cheese, (if I have time I fry some onion...this did not happen this time), some fresh herbs or mushrooms if I have any, salt and pepper and voila! 

Mmm fresh apple pie while watching the latest episode in the series we are watching! 

And that my friends is life lately! 

This afternoon should be exciting as I am making my first trip out to go grocery shopping without L and with baby! 

Oh I hear the baby waking up! See you all later! 

Juniper's Birth Story

On Thursday, December 24th I had an appointment with Dr. Yusuf, an OBGYN. He set the date for my induction, Tuesday December 29. On Monday I also had an appointment with my regular doctor, Dr. Dautremont who would be delivering the baby. Dr, Dautremont tried to strip the membrane but it was unsuccesful. That evening I packed my hospital bag. I overpacked. Clearly you only need a fraction of the items on the recommended list as almost everything is supplied by the hospital save the items you would want following your discharge.

Tuesday we were at the hospital bright and early for our 8 am induction with the doctor on call. I slipped on some ice/ the curb and fell just before getting in to the hospital. Luckily I did not fall on my belly but badly skinned my knee.

I was checked into my own private room. The new hospital in MJ is a very nice facility. Women give birth in their own spacious private room and there is a couch that makes into a bed for dad. We were excited for this big day! What would unfold?

The doctor on call was hard to understand. He inserted the cervidril. Cervidil is a vaginal insert that contains a type of medication called a prostaglandin. It helps jumpstart labor by softening the cervix and preparing it for birth. It was super uncomfortable. After the nurse Alli appologized for not having had the opportunity to let me know what was about to take place and sign the waivers.

I had only light cramping. I walked the halls for over an hour hoping this might speed things up as well as took a bath. L used the time to study for work.

Lare morning my water broke. I wasnt sure at first if it had because I felt a pop and there was only a little gush of liquid. We called for the nurse and she confirmed it was then she checked my cervix.

As the moring/mid afternoon progressed so did the contractions. The contractions I felt strongly as pain in my lower back. I tried to use the bath to help with the pain as well as stand. Mostly I had to stand hanging on L. It was very intense coming sometimes one contraction on top of another and no more than 2 minutes apart. This was the most pain I had ever experienced in my life. L asked if I could have an epidural. Because I was 3 cm dialated the nurse was able to call the doctor and he gave the go ahead for an epidural. It was good we asked when we did as it took over an hour for the anesthesiologisr to arrive.  I remember praying he would arrive soon.

The epidural took some time to take effect. It was not a standing epidural so I had to return to the bed. The relief from the epidural on my lower back was immense. I quickly progressed from 3cm to 8 cm. And then my contractions slowed down.

Dr. Dautremont arrived around 5 to check in from his regular practice. The nurse recommended he go home for supper. My contractions continued to lag and the nurse suggested they may have to use a vacuum. She instructed me to push when I felt a contraction pushing for ten seconds, taking a breath and then repeating twice. It was odd as the contractions sometimes I had to guess if they actully were, I was quite numb on my left side.

My parents arrived around 6. They went with L to the cafeteria for some dinner. My mom was too keyed up to eat so returned to be with me in the room.

At around 7 the nurse made the call to the doctor requesting they add in the drug syntocinon. Syntocinon contains oxytocin. Synthetic oxytocin is used to stimulate labour that has started naturally, but is considered too weak to push out the baby. In this case the medicine strengthens the contractions of the uterus. Three times they had to increase the dosage. By 7:45 the nurses had a shift change and the doctor had arrived. He checked on how things were progressing and said he could see the babies head. He changed as did the nurses. The nurses scurried around preparing the birthing materials. I was busy pushing and breathing while L counted.

It happened quite quickly actually from the time Dr. Dautremont and the two nurses were ready. They were very encouraging and helped with the timing of the pushing with each contration. In no time at all our baby girl was here! She was born at 8:24 pm. The doctor suctioned her mouth when she arrived. L and my mom both watched her being born. She had her tiny arm right up by her eye and the umbelical cord wrapped around her arm. The doctor slipped the umbelical cord off her arm. The doctor said he had never seen anyone smile as much as me giving birth. I was so excited to have this baby and the epidural definitely helped!

I had some minor tearing the doctor said so as he stiched me up the nurses did their assesments, measurements and cleaning. She had low blood sugar when she was born.

We named her Juniper Alexis. Prior to giving birth we went back and forth between Alexis or Juniper as the first name. I was so pleased we chose Juniper as her first name when her daddy said he felt like she was a Juniper to him.

It was the best feeling in the world to finally hold baby Juniper when they returned her to my arms all swaddled up. We are so in love with her.

I'm envious of all the women with the big kahunas

I`m envious of all the women who breastfeeding came naturally too. The women with nipples. The women whose babies prefer breast milk, who eagerly suck, who are patient with fumbling attempts. When asked while pregnant what I planned to do to feed my baby by health professionals following my babies birth I responded easily without question I planned to breast feed. I never considered it might not work. Or that it would be so much work. 

After J was born she had low blood sugar so the hospital had her on premixed formula, similac sensitive. As you will recall I had gestational diabetes and hadn`t eaten anything since breakfast. They had me on an insulin drip also. J was born at 8:24 pm. In the hospital she developed quite a taste for formula.  The nurses would prick her foot at every feeding to test her blood sugars. It was so sad to see her howl in displeasure and pain. Her blood sugars continued to rise to normal rates but yet they continued to poke until I was discharged. 

My breasts were not cooperating with feeding. I later learned that sometimes the drug Syntocinon used to speed up contractions will flatten your nipples on my already flat chest. J would get frustrated with the plastic nipple shield and wail. After finally requesting late on Wednesday I was given a breast pump to try to encourage breast milk production.

We were sent home. J was born on Tuesday evening. We were discharged early Thursday morning. 

I didnt really see much of the medical staff on Wednesday as there were some emergency c-sections on the ward and other scurrying around with code this and that announced over the intercom. Suffice it to say I had not figured out breastfeeding. I thought they would have had someone come in during my time in the hospital to provide some pointers.

Two days later a public health nurse visited our home. I now understand the day 4-5 postpartum blues. She tried to give me pointers and little J panicked and cried so hard. I had never seen my baby cry so hard. The health nurse to calm her put a blue plastic glove on and stuck her finger in little J`s mouth. It was a little shocking. Finally baby J calmed down and the health nurse left but not before booking me an appointment the following week with a lactation consultant.

My friend K had lent me her Medela Swing pump. I was attempting to nurse J. She would try then give up when there wasn`t the immediate gratification of milk on demand. Or cry out of frustration. So out came the bottle. I would then pump for up to an hour. It was exhausting. I was so sleep deprived trying to keep this up every 2-3 hours. 

I was very emotional. L was disappointed I was giving up and not giving our baby the best chance at nutrition and the opportunity to ward off possible future health risks. I cried and cried and cried. I feel like a failure as a mom. My mom, L`s mom and countless others told me to not give up, that I wasnt trying hard enough, that I just had to give it time, to eat this, to drink that, to try this, to try that. I feel bad that I want to give up, that I havent tried hard enough, that I havent pumped enough, that I havent tried to make her latch more, that I havent eaten all the recommended foods enough or drank enough milk thistle tea. Ive watched a number of youtube videos to see how other women are breastfeeding and all I see are big kahunas and think no wonder those women can breastfeed they have nipples! 

Am I failing baby J? 

I think of my brothers and my husband who were all fed formula. They are all intelligent, healthy men - three engineers and a lawyer. They all have developed healthy attachments. For the most part they are healthier than me the breastfed baby. 

I really wish I could do this but maybe I cant.

On Monday I spent the day in Emergency with a blood clot in my leg. Luckily I do not have DVT but it is still uncomfortable and I need to be careful. Up until this point I had still been pumping. My parents were home watching J and giving her the bottle of formula mixed with what little I had been able to pump. Sitting in emerg it wasn`t until late afternoon that L got the idea to borrow the breast pump from Women`s Health. That was the most I had ever pumped: 2 ounces. It gave us a spark of hope that maybe we could still do this. Back home I was down to my regular 10-20 mL when pumping every two-three hours. 

Wednesday came and a trip to the lactation consultant. Up until half an hour before I was ready to cancel on my appointment. J was a model student. What?!? She actually latched, nursed and cooed. I was floored. Maybe we could do this. Back home again a few hours later J was hungry. She wouldn`t have breast milk. 

The lactation consultants put me on a two hour schedule and lent me a pump that pumps on both breasts at once to hopefully cut down on the time I was spending pumping. I guess she could see how exhausted I was. Hour 1: Wake J up, change, position, latch, feed, then pump for remaining 5 minutes. Hour 2: Put J down to sleep and have a rest also. Ok it sounds great in theory, but I couldn`t keep it up. Sometimes it takes me up to an hour to fall asleep. Or baby J will not go to sleep without being cuddled and rocked. The nurse called back to see how it was going and told me to keep pumping and to take the weekend off from nursing.

Ive reseached other schedules. Miss J does not like to be on a schedule. I`m still trying. I tried to put J down for a nap this morning so that I could pump. She wouldn`t sleep on her own and so I had to pick her up and rock her in my arms until she fell asleep cutting short our pumping session.

So all this to say I don`t think breastfeeding is in the works for us and I feel crummy. 

The bright spot in my life is J. She is growing and changing every day. She weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces when she was born. When she was discharged she had gained an ounce and was 5 pounds 8 ounces. Usually babies loose weight upon birth. At the consultation with the lactation consult she was up to 5 pounds 11 ounces and on Friday when we went to see the doctor for her checkup 11 days after birth she was up to 5 pounds 14.5 ounces.  

I want to enjoy these days and not feel lousy about not breastfeeding. I want my baby girl to get the best version of me, one that is not stressed, exhausted, frustrated, pressured, shamed. I want her to feel loved. Isnt she adorable? She melts my heart. I want to give her the best and then some.

Baby J I am sorry that mommy is flat chested. 

Introducing Baby J

On December 29th this precious one joined our family.

We are overjoyed!

She is a delight and has stolen our hearts.

Juniper Alexis

5 pounds 7 ounces

A Little Ice Cream Celebration Reveal

It's cause for celebration!

This is my 100th blog post! 

Oh right your not here for that celebration. 

Your here to find out if I am having a boy or a girl!!

So the other night L came home and told me about a co-worker and the surprise party they had planned to find out if they were having a boy or girl. He thought it was a great idea that the ultrasound technician wrote what it was on a slip of paper and put it in an envelope. Then they took the envelope to a cake decorator and had a cake made up. After they planned to invite all of their friends and family over to cut into the cake and inside would tell if it was pink a girl or blue a boy. He thought this was lots of fun! Finding out from the ultrasound technician in the clinical office was not as thrilling he said. But because I had found out it was to late to plan something like that.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!

I totally had wanted to plan a party. I even had all things pinned for such a time as this. 

As you will recall L told me he didn't want to find out if we were having a boy or girl. He said their are too few surprises in life.  I wanted to find out. He said I could. Now he is pestering me trying to find out if it is a girl or boy because I found out. 

Boys! I will never understand them.

As L is not yet a loyal reader of my blog I can post it here. 

So scoop yourself a big creamy chunky scoop of icecream and celebrate with me!

It's a..........

 Girl!! 

I'm totally thrilled. 

My heart leapt and danced a little jig when the ultrasound technician told me and I tried to fight back tears of joy and concentrate on what he was saying, but a few slipped out 'cause you know.

**Please  only post comments here.  Note if you know L in real life please try to keep the secret for him and do not post comments to instagram which is linked to his phone. Or for my facebook friends please do not comment there as facebook seems to have a wide reach.