An hour of housework

After a full day of work how many hours of housework do you put in? L challenged me to put in an hour every night in keeping with all the hour he has been putting in with studying for his exams. At first I was a little grouchy since I was tired from work but now two hours later I am quite pleased with my little abode. A little indie meets pop on the dance floor can light the wind in ones sail. Although now I am not sure how I am going to spend my Saturday. I mean it's not a hotel around here with clean sheet service every day.

I am even inspired to frame my fox prints - an agonizing decision involving only 3 frame choices must be made. Ridiculous I know, but stylistic choices like this will have impact over many years when dollar figures lean toward hefty sums. It's not as if I can change out the frames next year. My fox prints are special. I purchased them from a Russian photographer (from Russia with the aid of a translator) when we were invested in adopting from Russia. That door closed, slammed shut in fact.

I counted up my holiday hours today and realized with glee I have at the end of April 5 whole days of holidays. At the end of August I will have 10 days of holidays. Can I last that long? The travel itch is starting, I can feel it. L finish school already so we can explore the world!!

I'm so proud of L. What a tough week he's had and he is still motivated. An exam every day and another following the weekend on Monday. Even now he's at the college studying and it's almost 9 pm.

My heart

My heart is broken. I am conflicted. Let joy be your plumb line, pastor M prayed for me this morning, as tears streamed down my face. This is the leap that international adoption forces us to take. There are no guarantees in life I am told. I wish we could believe and have faith beyond evidence. Someday, one day maybe, hopefully. I wish I could tell you the world is a beautiful place, full of hope and promise. Tears stream down my face. My heart is broken and I wonder if I will ever be given the opportunity to wish and hope again for joy.

Waiting and Yearning

This is happening:

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. (Romans 8:22-25 MSG)

I was helping out in the toddler room this morning when A commented on more than one occasion about how many pregnant women there were. Normally I try to block these bellies from view by looking directly full steam ahead, but yes I agreed as I suddenly looked around and was made aware. This is hard for me. Women I've known since starting my infertility journey now on their second and third.

It's not only around us- it's within us. My eyes brim with tears, I choke back sobs. I try to be happy for others. I feel corrected, scolded, chastised, schooled by happy joyfuls admonishings. Pangs.

Few things will test our hearts more than God's shameless blessing over others lives when we've endured a time of hardship. ~Beth Moore

I couldn't agree more.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Yearning for release. Yearning for a referral. Yearning to see that precious face. Yearning to know if it's a girl or boy. Yearning for a court date. Yearning to hold that sweet one in my arms. Yearning.

I hope I am not becoming diminished. My internal angst often makes me feel that I am not fighting this battle well. I'm drawing my prayer circle, counting the days, hopeful. Trying to be patient. Trying to be better at waiting. Trying to not be disappointed. Knowing I'm failing at it.

Mondays I ask for patience in waiting, and am corrected: joyful expectancy.