I`m envious of all the women who breastfeeding came naturally too. The women with nipples. The women whose babies prefer breast milk, who eagerly suck, who are patient with fumbling attempts. When asked while pregnant what I planned to do to feed my baby by health professionals following my babies birth I responded easily without question I planned to breast feed. I never considered it might not work. Or that it would be so much work.
After J was born she had low blood sugar so the hospital had her on premixed formula, similac sensitive. As you will recall I had gestational diabetes and hadn`t eaten anything since breakfast. They had me on an insulin drip also. J was born at 8:24 pm. In the hospital she developed quite a taste for formula. The nurses would prick her foot at every feeding to test her blood sugars. It was so sad to see her howl in displeasure and pain. Her blood sugars continued to rise to normal rates but yet they continued to poke until I was discharged.
My breasts were not cooperating with feeding. I later learned that sometimes the drug Syntocinon used to speed up contractions will flatten your nipples on my already flat chest. J would get frustrated with the plastic nipple shield and wail. After finally requesting late on Wednesday I was given a breast pump to try to encourage breast milk production.
We were sent home. J was born on Tuesday evening. We were discharged early Thursday morning.
I didnt really see much of the medical staff on Wednesday as there were some emergency c-sections on the ward and other scurrying around with code this and that announced over the intercom. Suffice it to say I had not figured out breastfeeding. I thought they would have had someone come in during my time in the hospital to provide some pointers.
Two days later a public health nurse visited our home. I now understand the day 4-5 postpartum blues. She tried to give me pointers and little J panicked and cried so hard. I had never seen my baby cry so hard. The health nurse to calm her put a blue plastic glove on and stuck her finger in little J`s mouth. It was a little shocking. Finally baby J calmed down and the health nurse left but not before booking me an appointment the following week with a lactation consultant.
My friend K had lent me her Medela Swing pump. I was attempting to nurse J. She would try then give up when there wasn`t the immediate gratification of milk on demand. Or cry out of frustration. So out came the bottle. I would then pump for up to an hour. It was exhausting. I was so sleep deprived trying to keep this up every 2-3 hours.
I was very emotional. L was disappointed I was giving up and not giving our baby the best chance at nutrition and the opportunity to ward off possible future health risks. I cried and cried and cried. I feel like a failure as a mom. My mom, L`s mom and countless others told me to not give up, that I wasnt trying hard enough, that I just had to give it time, to eat this, to drink that, to try this, to try that. I feel bad that I want to give up, that I havent tried hard enough, that I havent pumped enough, that I havent tried to make her latch more, that I havent eaten all the recommended foods enough or drank enough milk thistle tea. Ive watched a number of youtube videos to see how other women are breastfeeding and all I see are big kahunas and think no wonder those women can breastfeed they have nipples!
Am I failing baby J?
I think of my brothers and my husband who were all fed formula. They are all intelligent, healthy men - three engineers and a lawyer. They all have developed healthy attachments. For the most part they are healthier than me the breastfed baby.
I really wish I could do this but maybe I cant.
On Monday I spent the day in Emergency with a blood clot in my leg. Luckily I do not have DVT but it is still uncomfortable and I need to be careful. Up until this point I had still been pumping. My parents were home watching J and giving her the bottle of formula mixed with what little I had been able to pump. Sitting in emerg it wasn`t until late afternoon that L got the idea to borrow the breast pump from Women`s Health. That was the most I had ever pumped: 2 ounces. It gave us a spark of hope that maybe we could still do this. Back home I was down to my regular 10-20 mL when pumping every two-three hours.
Wednesday came and a trip to the lactation consultant. Up until half an hour before I was ready to cancel on my appointment. J was a model student. What?!? She actually latched, nursed and cooed. I was floored. Maybe we could do this. Back home again a few hours later J was hungry. She wouldn`t have breast milk.
The lactation consultants put me on a two hour schedule and lent me a pump that pumps on both breasts at once to hopefully cut down on the time I was spending pumping. I guess she could see how exhausted I was. Hour 1: Wake J up, change, position, latch, feed, then pump for remaining 5 minutes. Hour 2: Put J down to sleep and have a rest also. Ok it sounds great in theory, but I couldn`t keep it up. Sometimes it takes me up to an hour to fall asleep. Or baby J will not go to sleep without being cuddled and rocked. The nurse called back to see how it was going and told me to keep pumping and to take the weekend off from nursing.
Ive reseached other schedules. Miss J does not like to be on a schedule. I`m still trying. I tried to put J down for a nap this morning so that I could pump. She wouldn`t sleep on her own and so I had to pick her up and rock her in my arms until she fell asleep cutting short our pumping session.
So all this to say I don`t think breastfeeding is in the works for us and I feel crummy.
The bright spot in my life is J. She is growing and changing every day. She weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces when she was born. When she was discharged she had gained an ounce and was 5 pounds 8 ounces. Usually babies loose weight upon birth. At the consultation with the lactation consult she was up to 5 pounds 11 ounces and on Friday when we went to see the doctor for her checkup 11 days after birth she was up to 5 pounds 14.5 ounces.
I want to enjoy these days and not feel lousy about not breastfeeding. I want my baby girl to get the best version of me, one that is not stressed, exhausted, frustrated, pressured, shamed. I want her to feel loved. Isnt she adorable? She melts my heart. I want to give her the best and then some.
Baby J I am sorry that mommy is flat chested.
