We're Pregnant!!

Eeek! I couldn't be more excited! And nervous! And is this too good to be true?

Okay here's my crazy excited face. The above one is far too calm happy.

So I've been sitting on this for a week. I know how is that possible? I can't keep a secret at all. My first test I took at 6dpt in the evening because I thought it was likely too early to test and if it was negative there was still hope, but if it's positive how exciting would that be! L had went to work. The pharmacy is maybe 30 feet from my front door. It was inevitable. 

What if? 

This is what I saw..

Thank you Jesus!!

I waited a few days afterwards to take a second and third. Is this for real?

I told L in the morning after he worked the night shift. He had no idea what the ClearBlue HPT was and said what is this? L isn't one for surprises so I didn't plan a big reveal. He was excited nevertheless asking how am I supposed to sleep now! 

I'm terrified of losing this pregnancy. I have to convince myself not to panic on a regular basis. I have all these odd jabs, pains, sensations and to add to that secretions from the vaginal prometrium. It's enough to do me in most days. To say I'm laying low is an understatement and I'm so happy I don't have to be leading school tours of the museum or art gallery at this time. I can put my feet up at any time and take a nap. I think infertility has made me much more willing to say I'm pregnant so early, to celebrate this achievement. To bask in it. I recognize that I am not out of the woods as I am only at week 5 technically. But hey! I've been on this journey almost five years. 

On Thursday I was up by six and the first one to the diagnostic lab and the first one poked with a needle. I asked when we would find out the results and the nurse was not very sympathetic. She thought if I was lucky maybe the lab work would reach Calgary by Friday afternoon. But then L and I were driving and I saw the tell tale numbers of the Regional Fertility Program light up on my phone. Hello? Is this Rhonda? Yes. This is Dr. Fong's office. We have some good news for you!
Your pregnant!!

A big grin broke out on my face. Joy! I remembered in my excitement to ask a few questions including my HCG numbers. She said she would send a letter to my local doctor and I would follow up with him. 

She said we do not have a follow up HCG test to take. I was a little surprised as I would have been interested to see those numbers change. But it's ok. 

My next appointment is my seven week ultrasound at the end of this month. I am to continue prometrium and estrace until week 10. 

I was early on my previous calculated due date. It is January 11th.

We beat infertility! Yay! 

Two Week Wait

I find these cynical cards funny sometimes. There are a number of IVF and infertility ones that are dead on but some can also bite. Here are some fitting two week wait cards I found. 

The two week wait is always so long but really in the grand scheme of this inherity journey a drop in a bucket. The best part of the two week wait is thinking can this be? The worst part is not feeling any symptoms or having fear grip you and thinking what will we do if this does not work out. A verse I clung to during this two week wait was, "For God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power, and of love, and a strong mind." I'm not sure where it is found or if that is the accurate version because I learned it years ago and it came to mind one day when I went to the bathroom and discovered blood on the tissue. I immediately took another 100 mg of progesterone and decided to put my feet up, rest, and meditate on that verse. No more two hour walks scheduled. A nap instead. I am taking a perscription of 6 mg of estrace and 600 mg progesterone daily, along with 81 mg of aspirin, a prenatal vitamin (with 1000 mg of folic acid) and also metformin. Likely what I did was a knee jerk reaction as my doctor did say it is common for IVF patients to have bleeding. It cleared up shortly afterwards. I still get a little nervous every time I go to the bathroom but I'm trying to be confident and hopeful. 

Tomorrow is my first beta test! Yay!! I hope for a viable pregnancy. The diagnostic laboratory opens at 7 am. Then we plan to go out for breakfast. I likely won't receive the results back until Friday. Last time it was several days. I am hoping for good news. 

Check back by the weekend for an update.

Letting Go

L and I sent in the updates requested for our adoption. And then we got a phone call. You know sometimes when you get a phone call and your mind goes to that place where you are expecting to hear the best news possible. Well that didn't happen. Yes, I understand. Mmm hmm ok. I'll talk it over with L. Yes, I understand. It's too bad. Thanks for calling.

We have two choices essentially I was told on the phone today. 1. To retract our application to Taiwan and receive a partial refund. 2. To meet again with the agency and begin the process for a special needs adoption which will involve a longer wait.

This has been a really hard journey. My heart has never hurt so much. To begin with so much expectant joy. To linger in hope. I was petulant in this process sometimes, angry at the process. I wish my adoption story culminated in joy that this struggle was worth it. 

I had a little wind up toy when I was a child. The song was "when you wish upon a star it makes no difference who you are anything your heart desires will come to you." How desperately I wanted that to be true then at times when my mom was hospitalized for bipolar mood disorder and my childhood life felt all turned upside down. I'd wind it up and play it over and over as I tried to go to sleep tears running down my cheeks. I felt like I wound that up over and over during this process. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now. But I lived through this. I came out the other side. I'm not ruined.