Letting Go

L and I sent in the updates requested for our adoption. And then we got a phone call. You know sometimes when you get a phone call and your mind goes to that place where you are expecting to hear the best news possible. Well that didn't happen. Yes, I understand. Mmm hmm ok. I'll talk it over with L. Yes, I understand. It's too bad. Thanks for calling.

We have two choices essentially I was told on the phone today. 1. To retract our application to Taiwan and receive a partial refund. 2. To meet again with the agency and begin the process for a special needs adoption which will involve a longer wait.

This has been a really hard journey. My heart has never hurt so much. To begin with so much expectant joy. To linger in hope. I was petulant in this process sometimes, angry at the process. I wish my adoption story culminated in joy that this struggle was worth it. 

I had a little wind up toy when I was a child. The song was "when you wish upon a star it makes no difference who you are anything your heart desires will come to you." How desperately I wanted that to be true then at times when my mom was hospitalized for bipolar mood disorder and my childhood life felt all turned upside down. I'd wind it up and play it over and over as I tried to go to sleep tears running down my cheeks. I felt like I wound that up over and over during this process. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now. But I lived through this. I came out the other side. I'm not ruined.