Letting Go

L and I sent in the updates requested for our adoption. And then we got a phone call. You know sometimes when you get a phone call and your mind goes to that place where you are expecting to hear the best news possible. Well that didn't happen. Yes, I understand. Mmm hmm ok. I'll talk it over with L. Yes, I understand. It's too bad. Thanks for calling.

We have two choices essentially I was told on the phone today. 1. To retract our application to Taiwan and receive a partial refund. 2. To meet again with the agency and begin the process for a special needs adoption which will involve a longer wait.

This has been a really hard journey. My heart has never hurt so much. To begin with so much expectant joy. To linger in hope. I was petulant in this process sometimes, angry at the process. I wish my adoption story culminated in joy that this struggle was worth it. 

I had a little wind up toy when I was a child. The song was "when you wish upon a star it makes no difference who you are anything your heart desires will come to you." How desperately I wanted that to be true then at times when my mom was hospitalized for bipolar mood disorder and my childhood life felt all turned upside down. I'd wind it up and play it over and over as I tried to go to sleep tears running down my cheeks. I felt like I wound that up over and over during this process. It wasn't true then and it isn't true now. But I lived through this. I came out the other side. I'm not ruined. 

Adoption Delays

I just shake my head some days and resign myself to this drawn out process called adoption. My hope diminishes. 

Today I received an email from Christian Adoption Services that the government is requesting L have Criminal Records Checks completed. I am a little confused because we both had these completed for our update and sent in to Christian Adoption Services in Calgary in December. One needs to have an update every year to their Homestudy and pay around $600 for this update along with renewing police checks and child welfare checks. Since I only received the copy of the update to our homestudy in the mail today I looked it over and noticed that they inadvertently made a typo blooper / omission on the submission for our homestudy update to the government with regards to our updated criminal records and intervention checks on files so that that section reads: 

Criminal Record Check- R... Batiuk: clear, as of December 19, 2014

Intervention Record Check- L...Batiuk: clear, as of January 2, 2015

Criminal Record Check- R... Batiuk: clear, as of December 19, 2014

Intervention Record Check- L...Batiuk: clear, as of January 2, 2015

This is frustrating. 

I guess this will mean new checks to be completed which will take up to five weeks. Then to send in. Usually I send in by express. Then it will take CAS a week or so to re type this page and sign it and a week to send it snail mail back to our home for us to sign. We will sign and send in. Hopefully L is not in SK or that will be another week for us to resend back. Then it will be finally sent in again to the government. So we are looking at an approximate 8 week delay on this blooper. 

By approximately May this update may reach the government and then it will likely be June before it is approved. Previously this would have been sent to Taiwan but now I am not sure as CAS is handling the adoptions for TXE in Canada. By October we will start this whole process again. At some point we will say that this is ridiculous. And give up. Or the tides will change and we will finally receive a proposal for a precious child. 

Hopefully the tides will change before L says enough is enough. Every so often he asks me if I will be okay if it is just us two and we never have kids. I know he is disappointed too and trying to cheer me up. He says we can travel and if we never have kids our nephews will inherit our estates. It seems so far off to even think of leaving an inheritance to someone and bleek. I still want to hold onto the hope of having a family.

I was really excited by adoption when I first imagined it. I imagined a multicultural family. I was excited to learn about other cultures and raise my children with a global world view. I thought we would have little travellers that would accompany L and I on our adventures. I was even excited to think about learning other languages. I thought we would visit their home country often over the years. I was so excited when we first decided on Russia as the country we would adopt from but to also open a file with an Asian country if possible. And so we had permission to adopt from Russia and we're excited to learn in as little as a year we might have a proposal. We found an agency in Taiwan that we were equally excited for but also skeptical as we sent in an application but heard nothing for months. We thought initially we were being smart and if possible we could have a toddler home from Russia while we were just finishing up the paperwork for a secound adoption and that possibly by the time the first adoption was complete we would have a proposal for a second adoption. Meanwhile we received a letter from the Canadian Government that our file with Russia would be closed because of an international disagreement between the USA and Russia and now also Canada. By this time we had heard word from TXE that we were a number on the list. We no longer know where we stand on any actual list as the agency has changed with further accreditation so now we rely on CAS where we initially started by taking a course on international adoption following a miscarriage after fertility treatment in 2011. Sometimes I wonder if I should re contact the organization in Taiwan or just trust CAS will work on our behalf. CAS told us some time ago that we were at the top of the list. But are we really? I wonder sometimes if I should make the split from CAS despite the years and thousands of dollars we have spent and start afresh with another agency. 

I really would love to be a mom. I would love to have children, to love, to watch them grow, to see the world through their eyes, to care for, to laugh with. 

I do not know if we will ever conquer infertility despite my hope and all the effort I pour into reading medical texts, arranging treatment, injecting myself with fertility drugs. I just thought by now adoption would have come through for us and I would not have had to face the fact that L might be right --it may be just the two of us. I wanted more than one child and now I wonder if I will ever have any. I thought if by some miracle I was able to carry a baby that with adoption I could have at least another or two more. 

And yet. I need to raise my head above my present circumstances. To have faith in the face of frustration. To realize that despite human limitations that God is ultimately in control. That while infertlity and adoption are my present reality there is a bigger reality. 

Let's Read Non-Fiction: "Unexpected" Infertility, Miscarriage and IVF Failure Explained

When a thing was new people said it was not true. Later, when the truth became obvious, people said it was not important. When its importance could not be denied, people said it was not new. William James, 19th century philosopher

Is Your Body Baby Friendly? I just finished this medical text by Dr. Alan E. Beers. This was going to be my January Read of 500 pages but I inadvertently thought it had 500 pages when I picked it out only to find one third of the text were notes or references to medical journals and studies. So I skipped ahead and this has become my April non-fiction selection in February. Also I wanted to read this text of immune tests and treatments prior to my appointment with Dr. Foong later this week where she will explain what may have gone wrong and hopefully what we can do next time to improve.

I was surprised after our textbook quality embryos, hope from doctors for a successful cycle and gleeful nurses to have a failed IVF cycle. Likely these tests or treatments recommended by Dr. Beers will not be available at the Regional Fertility Program in Calgary.  Immunological testing has not yet been entirely accepted by the medical IVF community. There have not been enough blind studies completed with placebo subjects despite the success rates of 85% Dr. Beers has achieved with his patients who come to him after several failed IVF or miscarriages.

"There is an anecdote about an engineer who visited a factory to view a marvellous new machine churning out widgets.  He turned to his host and said, " I see it works in practice, but does it work in theory?""

We fixed the lack of ovulation with IVF now to fix the implantation issue and/or ability to maintain a pregnancy. This may not be easy.

I wonder if I have one or more of the categorical immune issues identified by Dr. Alan E. Beers.

There are five categories.

• Category 1: Tissue Type Compatibility
• Category 2: Blood Clotting Defects
• Category 3: Immunity to Pregnancy
• Category 4: Antibodies to Sperm
• Category 5 A: Natural Killer Cells
• Category 5 B: Antibodies to Hormones and Neurotransmitters

I wonder if I have category 2 as my father also has blood clotting issues and several members of my father's family take blood thinning medications. I also have a clotty cycle. I was prescribed baby aspirin in my past cycle and I think that may have helped along with acupuncture. It is likely I also have category 5 issues as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome is discussed within this section. It has been confirmed by several doctors that I have PCOS and I have also seen it on the ultrasound monitor. 

"Women with polycystic ovarian disease and ovarian cysts have a higher incidence of autoimmunity of the type that leads to insulin resistance (high fasting free insulin levels), autoimmune thyroditis and recurrent pregnancy losses.

Elevated levels of insulin lead to poor endometrial development , which can prevent the embryo from implanting. Other fertility problems can manifest themselves as failure to ovulate, irregular periods and poor egg/embryo quality. 

Furthermore, an excess of insulin can interfere with normal blood clotting balance, leading to restricted uterine blood flow. It also reduces glycodelin output. Glycodelin (also known as placental protein 14" or PP14) is an immunosuppressive protein found in the uterine lining with inhibits NK and T cell activity. Therefore, low levels of this key protein can increase the chance of miscarriage. For women with untreated PCOS, these category 2 immune problems combine with those of Category 5, can increase the risk of miscarriage between 30% and 50% during the first trimester. "

We were told we had good endometrial lining likely due to the doctors being able to control my hormone levels of estrogen, progesterone and testosterone. During the 2 week wait I was not monitored but I was taking progesterone supplements orally. So I am curious to learn what Dr. Foong suggests may have gone wrong.

I think I will also ask to go back on Metformin. I am not looking forward to the side effects again but think it is probably best to try to get my PCOS under control even if I never am able to carry a baby to term to mitigate against stroke, heart attack, diabetes, and weight gain.

"The most effective treatment for PCOS is metformin hydrochloride, the same drug that is used to treat type 2 diabetes. Metformin increases the body's sensitivity to insulin and allows it to be used more efficiently. It also reduces the amount of glucose produced by the liver, and the amount of glucose absorbed by food from the stomach. By controlling levels of insulin, metformin helps to elevate levels of glycodelin, which regulates the NK cells, thereby lessening the risk of immune mediated infertility and miscarriage. Metformin can even correct blood clotting problems to a degree."

I was initially perscribed Metformin when the doctor suspected I might have PCOS when my pap tests came back with abnormal cells in 2010.  Instead at the time we were focused on determining if I had cervical cancer and so I did not think at the time, once the tests finally came back normal from the cancer board after several painful laporoscopy and biopsies, to ask to continue metformin for infertility. And as such we had given up after my first miscarriage on even conceiving and were focused on adoption.

I did not know much about metformin or PCOS then and I think was initially in denial that I even had PCOS and did not even want to take metformin because somehow in my head I equated that with diabetes. I thought I could manage my weight and insulin levels with diet and exercise. Obviously I am not doing the greatest with that as I am not as diligent as I once was with monitoring my insulin levels. In my twenties I was aware I had some issues with insulin as I used to have a strict diet of 21 grams of protein, 7-9 of fat, 28 grams of carbohydrates for every meal along with two snack of 3 fat, 7 protein and 9 carbohydrates daily. Then it was to lose weight and was the only method I found successful to lose weight. When I was successful in organising my food intake I was at my lowest adult weight of 122 lbs.  Impossible to maintain on an ongoing basis if you have family or friends or stress.

But perhaps with a return to metformin, a change in my lifestyle and a renewed focus I can lose some weight. I am currently at my heaviest at 170 lbs. I have been here several times before and this is generally my ceiling before I kick it into high gear and revisit exercising and cutting out sugar in earnest. I have to wise up to the fact that PCOS is not only causing me infertility it could in fact shorten my life. It is a full time job really managing one's insulin levels.

And so my challenge is this. Hopefully metformin, cutting out sugar, exercising, taking baby aspirin daily along with a multivitamin with folic acid, reducing stress, losing weight, getting daily vitamin D and cutting my favourite vice- coffee will improve my chances for a successful IVF cycle. If not then there is always the Alan E. Beers Center in California. The Centre for Reproductive Immunology and Genetics.

I checked out the website where the laboratory testing is done.

Testing is done if there is:

(a) two miscarriages or two IVF failures after age 35 or three miscarriages or IVF failure before age 35,
(b) poor egg production from a stimulated cycle (less than 6 eggs),
(c) blighted eggs,
(d) idiopathic (unknown cause) infertility,
(e) previous immune problems (ANA positive, rheumatoid arthritis, and/or lupus),
(f) previous pregnancies that have shown retarded fetal growth, and
(g) one living child and repeat miscarriages while attempting to have a second child.



Half of the battle will be finding a doctor in Canada who will agree to be a collaborating doctor and support the protocols recommended. I learned on the Reproductive Immunology Support group that possibly there is a doctor at the Victoria clinic and also in Ontario or there is also a clinic in Las Vegas that takes Canadian patients. The testing is $1200. The treatment costs identified depend on the testing results. Some could be expensive as they may be required several times during the course of a pregnancy.

I am hopeful for a successful FET cycle but I am also reserved.

Here's to hope. Again.

I hate losing the innocent joy that comes with infertility. The innocent joy when we first thought we would like to think about having children and were just having fun trying, then our first chlomid cycle which ended in miscarriage which led to several other chlomid cyles without positive pregnancy tests. Then when we first fell on adoption and thought this would be the answer to our infertility and thought we would have a healthy baby within two years. Then finally our first IVF cycles. Holding that picture with the perfect blastocyst I felt so much joy.

Here's to joy. Again.

I wish the universe recognized our efforts.  My friend S shared with me this past fall when I was picking up medication to begin my IVF cycle that she and her husband were excited to try to have a baby. Then after my unsuccessful IVF cycle we met again for lunch and she shared with me that they had a miscarriage. Just this past week L and I went over to play some games and were enveloped in their joy that they were pregnant and due in August on their first try after their miscarriage. I was surprised and happy for them but that evening tears slipped from my eyes and I wondered when me? will it ever be me? how is this fair? where is there justice God? are you not compassionate? merciful? how long have I prayed for this? can you not fix me?

The purpose of science is to change belief. If you believe that infertility, IVF Failure, recurrent miscarriages, prematurity, and low birth weight are 'God's will' which is not testable scientifically, you will never try to find effective treatment."  Sir Peter Medawar (Nobel laureate)

Here's to joy. Here's to hope. Here's to science. Again.

Help us God.

In other adoption news all is not a loss for our imminent move to SK. While we may have to lose our Taiwan adoption I have found a a sliver of hope with an agency in BC that works with SK to arrange adoptions from the USA. One of the USA adoption agencies they work with I think would be a great fit for us. So where to begin with all of that again.... the whole process is very daunting.

Daunting though this is; it will not stop me. Someday I will have a baby either by infertility treatment or adoption. 

September

I work some days in a museum. The exhibit this fall commemorates 100 years since Great Britain declared war on Germany and starting in motion what we know today as the First World War.

It's September now. I recall last September our hopeful enthusiastic enlisting. I do not have clear answers but it appears that adoptions with Taiwan are at a stalemate and like the First World War that we hoped would be resolved by Christmas may in fact be a long drawn out four years if ever.

It's disappointing to say the least.

In a month my grandma turns 90. I had wanted her to live to see our adopted child. I sat with her in May as she lay in pain in her tiny twin bed. I told her of the adoption and she squeezed my hand and I think she was trying to tell me gently she may never see this child. Or that what I hope for is too good to be true.

It's 4 am now. I have insomnia when L is away working miles from home.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. I am to purchase tickets soon to fly before the prices are jacked up even higher for the Christmas rush. It's an atrocity really that flights within Canada less than one province away are more than flying internationally. It will be approximately $1500 to fly economy for the two of us. Despite this cost I am still anticipating traveling and seeing my family. I'm looking forward to seeing my only nephew who is quite grown now, a middle schooler, and is wise beyond his years.

L and I are going to give IVF another go. We had the swimmers frozen last week. Now I'm waiting for my cycle to arrive so I can in 12 days have blue dye injected into my Fallopian tubes.

Choosing Joy

This week is flying by. Can it be that tomorrow is already Thursday?

L is living in another city working, and coming home when he can. I miss regular what's for dinner and have you seen my keys? conversations. I've been showing our rental income condo to potential renters as likely we need to sell one of our properties if we expect to purchase another so that at the very least we are building equity. Plus it will feel more like home away from home if we have a place to call home there too. He's been renting an economical 1900 type flat that has cherubs dancing on the wallpaper, a toilet that can only be flushed once every four hours, and electrical sockets that spark when anything is plugged into them. This living apart has been hard for me, I was really down about this awhile ago, pouted, tried to think of ways I could join him, if even to do his laundry, but ultimately realized I need to just wait this out too.

Adoption is not easy folks. We hope, we pray, we expect. Our hearts get ahead of us. To be told that our adoption would not be supported to another province was confusing and is challenging. So here we are L working miles away and me working here.

Were still waiting. How long can we expect to wait after we were approved in February?

I need to choose joy when life throws me curve balls, when I'm asked to wait, when circumstances are not what I imagined.

I'm trying a strange doterra essential oils fertility treatment that must be made by drizzling through diamonds for how much I've spent and am on week 2. It's really odd to say the least and I will not explain it here because even I have some limits. I'm not putting much faith in it, but I'm willing to try most anything at least once. I had a wonderful lunch out with my friend who is an advocate of essential oils this week. Perhaps in the near future I will have my first ever home party and invite y'all over to my home to become mesmerized by essential oils. They smell incredible. They will knock your socks off. Your men will be skeptical and question the validity of spending money on 15 ml vials until their first massage. Then they too will be mesmerized.

I pulled all most all the weeds in my garden this evening. If you want to feel satisfaction pull weeds.

May

I am delighted to see my plum and apple trees in bud. Spring is so exciting for new growth. It's energizing. The birds are back. I love to hear them chirping early in the morning through my window. They are happily hopping around my back yard looking for worms or bugs.

L has left for Saskatchewan to start work. Today he texted me to tell me training involved new fire fighting gear but that the boots were too big and now he has blisters, putting out fires with dry chemical, setting up hoist systems to rescue and lower person who might need to rescue someone in hole, and going into burning containers to watch fire.

Last month my big dilemma was this:

Should I:

A. Sell my house, quit my job and go with L to hunt for new house in Regina, make new friends in new city, explore new city, forfeit any parental leave for awaited referral for adoption
B. Put my house up for sale, apply to new jobs, find a one-two bedroom apartment to rent in new city and visit L on weekends, sell house, find new job in Regina, purchase new home in new city, potentially forfeit parental leave depending on where I am in equation when I receive referral for adoption
C. Find renters for house, move in with my in laws, find a bachelor apartment to rent for L in new city, visit on weekends, continue to wait for referral and parental leave
D. Consider L's career in Saskatchewan to be a two year blip, enjoy single status while he is away, find him a bachelor apartment in new city, visit him on weekends, retain house, enjoy two incomes, continue to wait for referral and parental leave and return to career here when parental leave expires.

Things to think about:
6-8 month wait after referral ... How long until even a referral? Or what if the wait after the referral is even longer? How long will this living in two separate provinces be? I miss L already.
Cost of having two homes/commuting... Will this extend to the winter when maybe with weather we can't see it each other? What will be the effect on our marriage to be apart?

Wrestled with choices until...

I was cautioned against moving from one province to another before the adoption. So it is with a heavy heart that waiting has taken on a new meaning. My heart was for choice A. Choice B was also fascinating and I had some incredible leads on jobs. Choice C was a definite uggh choice and I was glad when L also was not in favor of C.

This month I've come to accept my lousy fate. Decided to try to lose some weight. And wait.

We are increasingly thinking it will not be a two year blip. This might be a long term move. L has a size able moving allowance of several and then some thousands from his company but it needs to be used in six months. So should we move our belongings? Put belongings in storage in new city? Will L move into a new house without me within six months? Or forfeit moving allowance?

We've looked at building too. I have a favorite house plan. Dreams! We contacted a builder to learn it would be nine months until completion. I almost laughed at the irony.

Adoption is not easy. I've laid my case before God. All I hear is silence.

I don't know what the next few months will entail. I'd love if we were to hear we have a referral. It would make this season easier.

I wanted with all my heart to give my notice of two weeks last week. My job is increasingly taxing and I find the weight of responsibility increasing. My colleague laughs at me and says that is the price I have to pay for success.

At any rate I think a vacation to San Francisco is in order or maybe even Jamaica. L has an awesome work schedule for vacation flexibility. Yay!!

My heart

My heart is broken. I am conflicted. Let joy be your plumb line, pastor M prayed for me this morning, as tears streamed down my face. This is the leap that international adoption forces us to take. There are no guarantees in life I am told. I wish we could believe and have faith beyond evidence. Someday, one day maybe, hopefully. I wish I could tell you the world is a beautiful place, full of hope and promise. Tears stream down my face. My heart is broken and I wonder if I will ever be given the opportunity to wish and hope again for joy.

Waiting and Yearning

This is happening:

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. (Romans 8:22-25 MSG)

I was helping out in the toddler room this morning when A commented on more than one occasion about how many pregnant women there were. Normally I try to block these bellies from view by looking directly full steam ahead, but yes I agreed as I suddenly looked around and was made aware. This is hard for me. Women I've known since starting my infertility journey now on their second and third.

It's not only around us- it's within us. My eyes brim with tears, I choke back sobs. I try to be happy for others. I feel corrected, scolded, chastised, schooled by happy joyfuls admonishings. Pangs.

Few things will test our hearts more than God's shameless blessing over others lives when we've endured a time of hardship. ~Beth Moore

I couldn't agree more.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Yearning for release. Yearning for a referral. Yearning to see that precious face. Yearning to know if it's a girl or boy. Yearning for a court date. Yearning to hold that sweet one in my arms. Yearning.

I hope I am not becoming diminished. My internal angst often makes me feel that I am not fighting this battle well. I'm drawing my prayer circle, counting the days, hopeful. Trying to be patient. Trying to be better at waiting. Trying to not be disappointed. Knowing I'm failing at it.

Mondays I ask for patience in waiting, and am corrected: joyful expectancy.

February 13

Sipping on lemon tea and hoping I do not succumb to strep throat. I'm on the verge of something - my throat is raw. Watching the Olympics in my bath robe just fresh out of the shower. I imagined what I would wear earlier but now do not feel so ambitious to hem the pants I purchased online. I have a class of tots to teach this evening- toddlers and art supplies. Fun. Tonight it's painting pictures of flowers in pots. And something else more valentines related because I love Valentines. I think after my class this evening I will make some pretty valentines heart cookies with my heart shaped cookie cutters that are waiting to be used for the first time.

In adoption news I think we are nearing step 7 now of 27.  So many steps! Do I understand them all? No. If I were planning an International Adoption Workshop I would walk people through these steps and explain the various terms and who to contact etc. I really just hope that I am not messing up along the way or extending the process because of my ignorance for when and how steps proceed. At any rate were approved officially and in line to receive a referral. Yay!

I am hoping for sunshine for the long weekend and Family Day. I think it would be fun to go to the Grasslands Natural Park. Still wondering if I am expected to work Monday as I see there is a scheduled tour for the docents of the exhibit with the curator on Monday at 9 am. Jeepers! Not impressed.

The Agony of Waiting

January has been so long. I'm ready for some sunshine joy.

I feel like my reserves of joy need to be filled.

This weekend we are getting away. I booked a hotel, because L will be finished his exams and I love getaways. I need a getaway. I need a dollop of sun, a hot tub, a glass of wine, Egyptian cotton, a delicious gourmet foodie experience, the city, art, laughter, shopping. I want to feel like I'm 27, in the city, on a date with my man. I need a getaway from waiting. It would only be more perfect if I could slip into my carefree 27 year old body.

Waiting... I've made it this far 3+ years and counting of infertility and a year of adoption and this week it feels unbearable. UNBEARABLE.

I am saying it here because I am over being chided by platitudes. There are women I know bearing much more. In a small way I understand grief. There are women's stories I've shared in this week who had terminal diagnoses. And then it was over...she wrote. This feels unbearable the waiting, but how much more an ending?

L is contemplating his future career path which may involve moving. I'm at a loss because I hoped to join him on this adventure with a baby in my arms but time is slipping away and all I can see is L moving on to a city with an international airport, and university and me waiting here in this municipal job until I hear word of a baby and then waiting longer yet for an undisclosed unknown time. This is the financially prudent choice to stick it out in this job until our parental leave cuts in potentially with L commuting back and forth on his days off. He has 18 days off per month. It's miserable to be working full time when he's in vacation mode. I couldn't bear to face a whole year of First World War museum school tours. Blaaah! It's laughable how little vacation time I can amass which means I could miss picking out the granite countertops, the new build open concept kitchen, the neighborhood if L decided to invest and upgrade in a new city. Maybe this is the version I can't bear.

Shortly, your killing me. That was the last we heard. "You will hear from us, shortly." That was almost a month ago. It's unbearable how melodramatic I am when I'm given a taste of hope, when my dreams take flight.

Infertility Adoption and a Sneaky Birthday

My birthday is sneaking up on me. I am becoming ancient. My morbid mortality has had me thinking of late about juicing, raw food, eliminating sugar, acid levels, low glycemic indexes. I have become invested in other women's fertility journeys- women like Dreaming of Dimples who I look for every morning to see if those follies have grown. This beautiful woman I pray God will favor with a baby. Her hope, her fight inspires me. Which of course makes me wonder about my own PCOS, my own infertility. I admit last year in December after our miscarriage I gave up the fight. I surrendered. I threw myself into adoption.

The days are of waiting in adoption are just as long as the months of Infertility.

In January of last year at this time, I was looking at my 5 year diary this morning, we were enamored with a little one when we sat for an incredibly cold day learning about international adoption. I threw my heart into adoption. We left with more questions than answers as we began to investigate the adoption process and various countries open to adoption. We opened up an application with an agency within Taiwan in January. It was not until March that we heard we were accepted to a waiting list. During that period from January to March the process of adoption seemed so overwhelming. I was overjoyed to hear news in March and scoured the internet to learn of other families adopting from this same agency and how long their adoption process had taken. The outlook while hopeful was considerable and could be as long as three years. Over the summer I slogged through the mountain of paperwork for adoption as we learned we should move forward with arranging for our home study (such a relief since I don't know how I could ever troop through three years) within the province of Alberta and began to become more involved in the organization. I volunteered to assist with a fundraising campaign Project 117 for the agency and was curious to learn the direction this would take and how I might be utilized. November is adoption month and L and I found ourselves organizing a Taiwanese Bubble Tea fundraiser for Project 117, selling T-shirts and collecting change for the orphanage in Taiwan. We are pleased that within two months time the team I was a part of was able to raise $340,000. We were able to finish our Homestudy and are now awaiting only one signature by one government department before we can send it to Taiwan. Everyday at least one person asks me if we have a baby yet. If only finishing the home study meant that were true. I had hoped it would be ready before Christmas but have to yet to be patient. I every morning check either the mail or my email and sometimes twice a day. I have it as bad as I had it when I used to buy ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests.

And now it is January and this morning I peed on an ovulation stick. Gross! Somewhere in December I was searching for something in my closet of all things stashed and out of mind and found my bin of fertility supplements that I had spent hours researching. Somehow that bin found its way into my kitchen and while I've only in the last few days begun to take Vitex somewhere along the way I've begun to think why not? It's not one or the other. I still have some fight left.

My birthday approaches reminding me it's not just about having a baby it's about being healthy, living a life that's full, purposeful. I can hardly wait for this adoption and while adoption for us was our guarantee (I know crazy!) and maybe I will never ever give birth to a baby I think why not? Why not fight PCOS- this crazy metabolic disorder that takes every drip of sugar I eat and turns them into cysts that ravage my ovaries- maybe we will get lucky or maybe I will just get to live until 90+

Why not...that mindset to fight PCOS propels me...pushes me to read further. Pushes me right into the hearts of other women fighting for a babies life. That's why I put everything into the closet of all things stashed before, delegated all my blog posts to do with PCOS, infertility treatment. The pain was deep. It's taken me a year to face. Why I haven't gone to the gym in forever. Why I blissfully eat chocolate chip cookies until my sugar levels spike and I'm nauseous followed by a sugar crash and I'm lightheaded.

Why not? When was the last time you gave up sugar in all it's forms? It's not an easy lifestyle change. When was the last time you gave up coffee? Caffeine? Aspartame or any artificial sweeteners? Gluten? Sodium? Anything fried? Alcohol (not that I am a lush but I like the occasional glass of wine or draft), soy, dairy, xenoestrogens: pesticides, herbicides, conventional meat (given growth hormones), plastics (BPA, PCV, dioxin, etc.), fabric softener and dryer sheets, soy, beauty products (pthalates and petroleum-derived chemicals like parabens). Forever not just six days of the week with a cheat day on Saturday or my birthday or when my mom makes my favorite comfort food, or when I am invited over to your place for dinner. Everything not just fabric sheets and MSG.

Sugar is four times more addictive than cocaine.

I am becoming ancient. I want to be young and healthy.

Application Doubt

l have officially submitted all applications to adopt.

After I hit send on the last application doubt washed over me.  I feel my answers are too generic, that I had not shared enough of my heart, that after all this my application would be turned down.

Doubt is proclaiming a future without hope. And so I'm putting it out there on the internet that even though doubt assails I hold forth a glimmer of hope.