Infertility Adoption and a Sneaky Birthday

My birthday is sneaking up on me. I am becoming ancient. My morbid mortality has had me thinking of late about juicing, raw food, eliminating sugar, acid levels, low glycemic indexes. I have become invested in other women's fertility journeys- women like Dreaming of Dimples who I look for every morning to see if those follies have grown. This beautiful woman I pray God will favor with a baby. Her hope, her fight inspires me. Which of course makes me wonder about my own PCOS, my own infertility. I admit last year in December after our miscarriage I gave up the fight. I surrendered. I threw myself into adoption.

The days are of waiting in adoption are just as long as the months of Infertility.

In January of last year at this time, I was looking at my 5 year diary this morning, we were enamored with a little one when we sat for an incredibly cold day learning about international adoption. I threw my heart into adoption. We left with more questions than answers as we began to investigate the adoption process and various countries open to adoption. We opened up an application with an agency within Taiwan in January. It was not until March that we heard we were accepted to a waiting list. During that period from January to March the process of adoption seemed so overwhelming. I was overjoyed to hear news in March and scoured the internet to learn of other families adopting from this same agency and how long their adoption process had taken. The outlook while hopeful was considerable and could be as long as three years. Over the summer I slogged through the mountain of paperwork for adoption as we learned we should move forward with arranging for our home study (such a relief since I don't know how I could ever troop through three years) within the province of Alberta and began to become more involved in the organization. I volunteered to assist with a fundraising campaign Project 117 for the agency and was curious to learn the direction this would take and how I might be utilized. November is adoption month and L and I found ourselves organizing a Taiwanese Bubble Tea fundraiser for Project 117, selling T-shirts and collecting change for the orphanage in Taiwan. We are pleased that within two months time the team I was a part of was able to raise $340,000. We were able to finish our Homestudy and are now awaiting only one signature by one government department before we can send it to Taiwan. Everyday at least one person asks me if we have a baby yet. If only finishing the home study meant that were true. I had hoped it would be ready before Christmas but have to yet to be patient. I every morning check either the mail or my email and sometimes twice a day. I have it as bad as I had it when I used to buy ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests.

And now it is January and this morning I peed on an ovulation stick. Gross! Somewhere in December I was searching for something in my closet of all things stashed and out of mind and found my bin of fertility supplements that I had spent hours researching. Somehow that bin found its way into my kitchen and while I've only in the last few days begun to take Vitex somewhere along the way I've begun to think why not? It's not one or the other. I still have some fight left.

My birthday approaches reminding me it's not just about having a baby it's about being healthy, living a life that's full, purposeful. I can hardly wait for this adoption and while adoption for us was our guarantee (I know crazy!) and maybe I will never ever give birth to a baby I think why not? Why not fight PCOS- this crazy metabolic disorder that takes every drip of sugar I eat and turns them into cysts that ravage my ovaries- maybe we will get lucky or maybe I will just get to live until 90+

Why not...that mindset to fight PCOS propels me...pushes me to read further. Pushes me right into the hearts of other women fighting for a babies life. That's why I put everything into the closet of all things stashed before, delegated all my blog posts to do with PCOS, infertility treatment. The pain was deep. It's taken me a year to face. Why I haven't gone to the gym in forever. Why I blissfully eat chocolate chip cookies until my sugar levels spike and I'm nauseous followed by a sugar crash and I'm lightheaded.

Why not? When was the last time you gave up sugar in all it's forms? It's not an easy lifestyle change. When was the last time you gave up coffee? Caffeine? Aspartame or any artificial sweeteners? Gluten? Sodium? Anything fried? Alcohol (not that I am a lush but I like the occasional glass of wine or draft), soy, dairy, xenoestrogens: pesticides, herbicides, conventional meat (given growth hormones), plastics (BPA, PCV, dioxin, etc.), fabric softener and dryer sheets, soy, beauty products (pthalates and petroleum-derived chemicals like parabens). Forever not just six days of the week with a cheat day on Saturday or my birthday or when my mom makes my favorite comfort food, or when I am invited over to your place for dinner. Everything not just fabric sheets and MSG.

Sugar is four times more addictive than cocaine.

I am becoming ancient. I want to be young and healthy.