The Agony of Waiting

January has been so long. I'm ready for some sunshine joy.

I feel like my reserves of joy need to be filled.

This weekend we are getting away. I booked a hotel, because L will be finished his exams and I love getaways. I need a getaway. I need a dollop of sun, a hot tub, a glass of wine, Egyptian cotton, a delicious gourmet foodie experience, the city, art, laughter, shopping. I want to feel like I'm 27, in the city, on a date with my man. I need a getaway from waiting. It would only be more perfect if I could slip into my carefree 27 year old body.

Waiting... I've made it this far 3+ years and counting of infertility and a year of adoption and this week it feels unbearable. UNBEARABLE.

I am saying it here because I am over being chided by platitudes. There are women I know bearing much more. In a small way I understand grief. There are women's stories I've shared in this week who had terminal diagnoses. And then it was over...she wrote. This feels unbearable the waiting, but how much more an ending?

L is contemplating his future career path which may involve moving. I'm at a loss because I hoped to join him on this adventure with a baby in my arms but time is slipping away and all I can see is L moving on to a city with an international airport, and university and me waiting here in this municipal job until I hear word of a baby and then waiting longer yet for an undisclosed unknown time. This is the financially prudent choice to stick it out in this job until our parental leave cuts in potentially with L commuting back and forth on his days off. He has 18 days off per month. It's miserable to be working full time when he's in vacation mode. I couldn't bear to face a whole year of First World War museum school tours. Blaaah! It's laughable how little vacation time I can amass which means I could miss picking out the granite countertops, the new build open concept kitchen, the neighborhood if L decided to invest and upgrade in a new city. Maybe this is the version I can't bear.

Shortly, your killing me. That was the last we heard. "You will hear from us, shortly." That was almost a month ago. It's unbearable how melodramatic I am when I'm given a taste of hope, when my dreams take flight.