Waiting and Yearning

This is happening:

All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. (Romans 8:22-25 MSG)

I was helping out in the toddler room this morning when A commented on more than one occasion about how many pregnant women there were. Normally I try to block these bellies from view by looking directly full steam ahead, but yes I agreed as I suddenly looked around and was made aware. This is hard for me. Women I've known since starting my infertility journey now on their second and third.

It's not only around us- it's within us. My eyes brim with tears, I choke back sobs. I try to be happy for others. I feel corrected, scolded, chastised, schooled by happy joyfuls admonishings. Pangs.

Few things will test our hearts more than God's shameless blessing over others lives when we've endured a time of hardship. ~Beth Moore

I couldn't agree more.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Yearning for release. Yearning for a referral. Yearning to see that precious face. Yearning to know if it's a girl or boy. Yearning for a court date. Yearning to hold that sweet one in my arms. Yearning.

I hope I am not becoming diminished. My internal angst often makes me feel that I am not fighting this battle well. I'm drawing my prayer circle, counting the days, hopeful. Trying to be patient. Trying to be better at waiting. Trying to not be disappointed. Knowing I'm failing at it.

Mondays I ask for patience in waiting, and am corrected: joyful expectancy.