Dear Sweet Sixteen,

Dear Sweet Sixteen,

Wow, this past year has been really hard! I can see that you are not happy.  I wish things were different for you but honey you will be okay. Leaving your friends and first "boyfriend" feels miserable. Moving to a farm feels isolating when your used to jumping on your bike and riding downtown. It feels like you've lost your independence, no longer having a part-time job and spending money, no longer being able to go where you want to want to on your own. Your new school is rough and you're not sure of your new circle.  You miss being on the inner circle, popular, assured of yourself. Your confidence feels like it's hit an all time low.

Your angry at your parents now for moving. In time you will see that this was the best thing for your mom and her health. You would be surprised to learn that now you call your mom almost daily just to chat.  Your anger won't last forever and if you were not so stubborn I would tell you the only one your anger is hurting is you. I'd say let that anger go. Give others a chance. Laugh. Lay off the carbs.

You will meet that first "boyfriend" again. Your heart will drop to your knees when you pass him in the hall and realize you are attending the same college. The community college you never expected to attend. I know you had big dreams for yourself and your disappointment will be keen when after being accepted by several fancy universities you will realize you do not have enough money to attend. You don't know it now but this will be such an important year of your life living with your grandparents. It will be the last year your grandfather is alive. Cherish this year. And that first "boyfriend", your heart will be all over the map but truly, he's not the one. You two will have lunch together a few times on campus but you'll come to see that you no longer share the same interests. He's no longer as funny as he once was, in fact, he's much too serious. And your best friend from junior high, even though you both attend the same community college, I'm sorry to say, will not be your best friend for life. She will "forget" to pick you up on the day of your math exam. I'm telling you this now so that you make alternate arrangements and are not forced to write the exam in a clausterphobic library closet. You could make an effort when your car dies five hours from its destination to still attend her wedding, however. Or not. I am still divided on that. Because spending the weekend with your brother and his wife who rescued you was just what you needed. Your family will rescue you a lot.

You will attend university. You will be broke. You will have the time of your life. You will feel conflicted over your choice of career. If we could change the course of time I would say to you stand your ground and go to Ireland to study art. But then who knows maybe you and I would not be the same person today. And I kind of like the you, we turned out to be.

It will take you some time but eventually you will enter the dating arena. And in time, I mean in all seriousness you will not have your first kiss until you are 27, you will be a dating sensation. Shocking I know. Sometimes you will refer to yourself as a serial dater. Your hilarious dating adventures will entertain your friends. For instance, one time you will think you are on a quest to date the 12 disciples, when in January you date Andrew and John, in February Simon, and in March Peter. I think there was a Matthew in there too. Sometimes when you are alone you will worry if you will be perpetually dating and never have anyone commit their heart. Rest assured you will meet someone eventually that will tell you he wants to marry you shortly after meeting you. It will freak you out because in reality you are interested in two other individuals simultaneously. He's the one. He will pursue you like no other. Sometimes his intensity, and anxiety will make you wonder if you made the right choice. But he's a keeper. He loves you, gets you, and you both will have a lot of fun together.

You will have some ups and downs in your faith, but know that God is always constant. Even when you feel like your life is a mess, you don't know where the money will come from to pay the rent, you wonder if you will ever get pregnant, He's got you. He loves you. And guess what? you will get pregnant! In fact this is your pregnant self writing to you 21 years later.  I know those five years of trying, herbal remedies, accupuncture, adoption forms, and infertility treatment will seem like forever, and if I could step back in time I'd tell you to be brave, I'd give you a great big hug, and tell you to have confidence that God would do a miracle for you. For now, sweet 16, getting pregnant is the furthest thing from your mind. I'd still tell you to be brave, give you a great big hug, and tell you to have confidence that God would do a miracle for you. And someday you and I would look back on that day and smile.

Love,
(16x2) + 5 year old self.