September

I work some days in a museum. The exhibit this fall commemorates 100 years since Great Britain declared war on Germany and starting in motion what we know today as the First World War.

It's September now. I recall last September our hopeful enthusiastic enlisting. I do not have clear answers but it appears that adoptions with Taiwan are at a stalemate and like the First World War that we hoped would be resolved by Christmas may in fact be a long drawn out four years if ever.

It's disappointing to say the least.

In a month my grandma turns 90. I had wanted her to live to see our adopted child. I sat with her in May as she lay in pain in her tiny twin bed. I told her of the adoption and she squeezed my hand and I think she was trying to tell me gently she may never see this child. Or that what I hope for is too good to be true.

It's 4 am now. I have insomnia when L is away working miles from home.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. I am to purchase tickets soon to fly before the prices are jacked up even higher for the Christmas rush. It's an atrocity really that flights within Canada less than one province away are more than flying internationally. It will be approximately $1500 to fly economy for the two of us. Despite this cost I am still anticipating traveling and seeing my family. I'm looking forward to seeing my only nephew who is quite grown now, a middle schooler, and is wise beyond his years.

L and I are going to give IVF another go. We had the swimmers frozen last week. Now I'm waiting for my cycle to arrive so I can in 12 days have blue dye injected into my Fallopian tubes.

Choosing Joy

This week is flying by. Can it be that tomorrow is already Thursday?

L is living in another city working, and coming home when he can. I miss regular what's for dinner and have you seen my keys? conversations. I've been showing our rental income condo to potential renters as likely we need to sell one of our properties if we expect to purchase another so that at the very least we are building equity. Plus it will feel more like home away from home if we have a place to call home there too. He's been renting an economical 1900 type flat that has cherubs dancing on the wallpaper, a toilet that can only be flushed once every four hours, and electrical sockets that spark when anything is plugged into them. This living apart has been hard for me, I was really down about this awhile ago, pouted, tried to think of ways I could join him, if even to do his laundry, but ultimately realized I need to just wait this out too.

Adoption is not easy folks. We hope, we pray, we expect. Our hearts get ahead of us. To be told that our adoption would not be supported to another province was confusing and is challenging. So here we are L working miles away and me working here.

Were still waiting. How long can we expect to wait after we were approved in February?

I need to choose joy when life throws me curve balls, when I'm asked to wait, when circumstances are not what I imagined.

I'm trying a strange doterra essential oils fertility treatment that must be made by drizzling through diamonds for how much I've spent and am on week 2. It's really odd to say the least and I will not explain it here because even I have some limits. I'm not putting much faith in it, but I'm willing to try most anything at least once. I had a wonderful lunch out with my friend who is an advocate of essential oils this week. Perhaps in the near future I will have my first ever home party and invite y'all over to my home to become mesmerized by essential oils. They smell incredible. They will knock your socks off. Your men will be skeptical and question the validity of spending money on 15 ml vials until their first massage. Then they too will be mesmerized.

I pulled all most all the weeds in my garden this evening. If you want to feel satisfaction pull weeds.

May

I am delighted to see my plum and apple trees in bud. Spring is so exciting for new growth. It's energizing. The birds are back. I love to hear them chirping early in the morning through my window. They are happily hopping around my back yard looking for worms or bugs.

L has left for Saskatchewan to start work. Today he texted me to tell me training involved new fire fighting gear but that the boots were too big and now he has blisters, putting out fires with dry chemical, setting up hoist systems to rescue and lower person who might need to rescue someone in hole, and going into burning containers to watch fire.

Last month my big dilemma was this:

Should I:

A. Sell my house, quit my job and go with L to hunt for new house in Regina, make new friends in new city, explore new city, forfeit any parental leave for awaited referral for adoption
B. Put my house up for sale, apply to new jobs, find a one-two bedroom apartment to rent in new city and visit L on weekends, sell house, find new job in Regina, purchase new home in new city, potentially forfeit parental leave depending on where I am in equation when I receive referral for adoption
C. Find renters for house, move in with my in laws, find a bachelor apartment to rent for L in new city, visit on weekends, continue to wait for referral and parental leave
D. Consider L's career in Saskatchewan to be a two year blip, enjoy single status while he is away, find him a bachelor apartment in new city, visit him on weekends, retain house, enjoy two incomes, continue to wait for referral and parental leave and return to career here when parental leave expires.

Things to think about:
6-8 month wait after referral ... How long until even a referral? Or what if the wait after the referral is even longer? How long will this living in two separate provinces be? I miss L already.
Cost of having two homes/commuting... Will this extend to the winter when maybe with weather we can't see it each other? What will be the effect on our marriage to be apart?

Wrestled with choices until...

I was cautioned against moving from one province to another before the adoption. So it is with a heavy heart that waiting has taken on a new meaning. My heart was for choice A. Choice B was also fascinating and I had some incredible leads on jobs. Choice C was a definite uggh choice and I was glad when L also was not in favor of C.

This month I've come to accept my lousy fate. Decided to try to lose some weight. And wait.

We are increasingly thinking it will not be a two year blip. This might be a long term move. L has a size able moving allowance of several and then some thousands from his company but it needs to be used in six months. So should we move our belongings? Put belongings in storage in new city? Will L move into a new house without me within six months? Or forfeit moving allowance?

We've looked at building too. I have a favorite house plan. Dreams! We contacted a builder to learn it would be nine months until completion. I almost laughed at the irony.

Adoption is not easy. I've laid my case before God. All I hear is silence.

I don't know what the next few months will entail. I'd love if we were to hear we have a referral. It would make this season easier.

I wanted with all my heart to give my notice of two weeks last week. My job is increasingly taxing and I find the weight of responsibility increasing. My colleague laughs at me and says that is the price I have to pay for success.

At any rate I think a vacation to San Francisco is in order or maybe even Jamaica. L has an awesome work schedule for vacation flexibility. Yay!!

An hour of housework

After a full day of work how many hours of housework do you put in? L challenged me to put in an hour every night in keeping with all the hour he has been putting in with studying for his exams. At first I was a little grouchy since I was tired from work but now two hours later I am quite pleased with my little abode. A little indie meets pop on the dance floor can light the wind in ones sail. Although now I am not sure how I am going to spend my Saturday. I mean it's not a hotel around here with clean sheet service every day.

I am even inspired to frame my fox prints - an agonizing decision involving only 3 frame choices must be made. Ridiculous I know, but stylistic choices like this will have impact over many years when dollar figures lean toward hefty sums. It's not as if I can change out the frames next year. My fox prints are special. I purchased them from a Russian photographer (from Russia with the aid of a translator) when we were invested in adopting from Russia. That door closed, slammed shut in fact.

I counted up my holiday hours today and realized with glee I have at the end of April 5 whole days of holidays. At the end of August I will have 10 days of holidays. Can I last that long? The travel itch is starting, I can feel it. L finish school already so we can explore the world!!

I'm so proud of L. What a tough week he's had and he is still motivated. An exam every day and another following the weekend on Monday. Even now he's at the college studying and it's almost 9 pm.