Sipping on lemon tea and hoping I do not succumb to strep throat. I'm on the verge of something - my throat is raw. Watching the Olympics in my bath robe just fresh out of the shower. I imagined what I would wear earlier but now do not feel so ambitious to hem the pants I purchased online. I have a class of tots to teach this evening- toddlers and art supplies. Fun. Tonight it's painting pictures of flowers in pots. And something else more valentines related because I love Valentines. I think after my class this evening I will make some pretty valentines heart cookies with my heart shaped cookie cutters that are waiting to be used for the first time.
In adoption news I think we are nearing step 7 now of 27. So many steps! Do I understand them all? No. If I were planning an International Adoption Workshop I would walk people through these steps and explain the various terms and who to contact etc. I really just hope that I am not messing up along the way or extending the process because of my ignorance for when and how steps proceed. At any rate were approved officially and in line to receive a referral. Yay!
I am hoping for sunshine for the long weekend and Family Day. I think it would be fun to go to the Grasslands Natural Park. Still wondering if I am expected to work Monday as I see there is a scheduled tour for the docents of the exhibit with the curator on Monday at 9 am. Jeepers! Not impressed.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
The Agony of Waiting
January has been so long. I'm ready for some sunshine joy.
I feel like my reserves of joy need to be filled.
This weekend we are getting away. I booked a hotel, because L will be finished his exams and I love getaways. I need a getaway. I need a dollop of sun, a hot tub, a glass of wine, Egyptian cotton, a delicious gourmet foodie experience, the city, art, laughter, shopping. I want to feel like I'm 27, in the city, on a date with my man. I need a getaway from waiting. It would only be more perfect if I could slip into my carefree 27 year old body.
Waiting... I've made it this far 3+ years and counting of infertility and a year of adoption and this week it feels unbearable. UNBEARABLE.
I am saying it here because I am over being chided by platitudes. There are women I know bearing much more. In a small way I understand grief. There are women's stories I've shared in this week who had terminal diagnoses. And then it was over...she wrote. This feels unbearable the waiting, but how much more an ending?
L is contemplating his future career path which may involve moving. I'm at a loss because I hoped to join him on this adventure with a baby in my arms but time is slipping away and all I can see is L moving on to a city with an international airport, and university and me waiting here in this municipal job until I hear word of a baby and then waiting longer yet for an undisclosed unknown time. This is the financially prudent choice to stick it out in this job until our parental leave cuts in potentially with L commuting back and forth on his days off. He has 18 days off per month. It's miserable to be working full time when he's in vacation mode. I couldn't bear to face a whole year of First World War museum school tours. Blaaah! It's laughable how little vacation time I can amass which means I could miss picking out the granite countertops, the new build open concept kitchen, the neighborhood if L decided to invest and upgrade in a new city. Maybe this is the version I can't bear.
Shortly, your killing me. That was the last we heard. "You will hear from us, shortly." That was almost a month ago. It's unbearable how melodramatic I am when I'm given a taste of hope, when my dreams take flight.
I feel like my reserves of joy need to be filled.
This weekend we are getting away. I booked a hotel, because L will be finished his exams and I love getaways. I need a getaway. I need a dollop of sun, a hot tub, a glass of wine, Egyptian cotton, a delicious gourmet foodie experience, the city, art, laughter, shopping. I want to feel like I'm 27, in the city, on a date with my man. I need a getaway from waiting. It would only be more perfect if I could slip into my carefree 27 year old body.
Waiting... I've made it this far 3+ years and counting of infertility and a year of adoption and this week it feels unbearable. UNBEARABLE.
I am saying it here because I am over being chided by platitudes. There are women I know bearing much more. In a small way I understand grief. There are women's stories I've shared in this week who had terminal diagnoses. And then it was over...she wrote. This feels unbearable the waiting, but how much more an ending?
L is contemplating his future career path which may involve moving. I'm at a loss because I hoped to join him on this adventure with a baby in my arms but time is slipping away and all I can see is L moving on to a city with an international airport, and university and me waiting here in this municipal job until I hear word of a baby and then waiting longer yet for an undisclosed unknown time. This is the financially prudent choice to stick it out in this job until our parental leave cuts in potentially with L commuting back and forth on his days off. He has 18 days off per month. It's miserable to be working full time when he's in vacation mode. I couldn't bear to face a whole year of First World War museum school tours. Blaaah! It's laughable how little vacation time I can amass which means I could miss picking out the granite countertops, the new build open concept kitchen, the neighborhood if L decided to invest and upgrade in a new city. Maybe this is the version I can't bear.
Shortly, your killing me. That was the last we heard. "You will hear from us, shortly." That was almost a month ago. It's unbearable how melodramatic I am when I'm given a taste of hope, when my dreams take flight.
Monday, January 06, 2014
Infertility Adoption and a Sneaky Birthday
My birthday is sneaking up on me. I am becoming ancient. My morbid mortality has had me thinking of late about juicing, raw food, eliminating sugar, acid levels, low glycemic indexes. I have become invested in other women's fertility journeys- women like Dreaming of Dimples who I look for every morning to see if those follies have grown. This beautiful woman I pray God will favor with a baby. Her hope, her fight inspires me. Which of course makes me wonder about my own PCOS, my own infertility. I admit last year in December after our miscarriage I gave up the fight. I surrendered. I threw myself into adoption.
The days are of waiting in adoption are just as long as the months of Infertility.
In January of last year at this time, I was looking at my 5 year diary this morning, we were enamored with a little one when we sat for an incredibly cold day learning about international adoption. I threw my heart into adoption. We left with more questions than answers as we began to investigate the adoption process and various countries open to adoption. We opened up an application with an agency within Taiwan in January. It was not until March that we heard we were accepted to a waiting list. During that period from January to March the process of adoption seemed so overwhelming. I was overjoyed to hear news in March and scoured the internet to learn of other families adopting from this same agency and how long their adoption process had taken. The outlook while hopeful was considerable and could be as long as three years. Over the summer I slogged through the mountain of paperwork for adoption as we learned we should move forward with arranging for our home study (such a relief since I don't know how I could ever troop through three years) within the province of Alberta and began to become more involved in the organization. I volunteered to assist with a fundraising campaign Project 117 for the agency and was curious to learn the direction this would take and how I might be utilized. November is adoption month and L and I found ourselves organizing a Taiwanese Bubble Tea fundraiser for Project 117, selling T-shirts and collecting change for the orphanage in Taiwan. We are pleased that within two months time the team I was a part of was able to raise $340,000. We were able to finish our Homestudy and are now awaiting only one signature by one government department before we can send it to Taiwan. Everyday at least one person asks me if we have a baby yet. If only finishing the home study meant that were true. I had hoped it would be ready before Christmas but have to yet to be patient. I every morning check either the mail or my email and sometimes twice a day. I have it as bad as I had it when I used to buy ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests.
And now it is January and this morning I peed on an ovulation stick. Gross! Somewhere in December I was searching for something in my closet of all things stashed and out of mind and found my bin of fertility supplements that I had spent hours researching. Somehow that bin found its way into my kitchen and while I've only in the last few days begun to take Vitex somewhere along the way I've begun to think why not? It's not one or the other. I still have some fight left.
My birthday approaches reminding me it's not just about having a baby it's about being healthy, living a life that's full, purposeful. I can hardly wait for this adoption and while adoption for us was our guarantee (I know crazy!) and maybe I will never ever give birth to a baby I think why not? Why not fight PCOS- this crazy metabolic disorder that takes every drip of sugar I eat and turns them into cysts that ravage my ovaries- maybe we will get lucky or maybe I will just get to live until 90+
Why not...that mindset to fight PCOS propels me...pushes me to read further. Pushes me right into the hearts of other women fighting for a babies life. That's why I put everything into the closet of all things stashed before, delegated all my blog posts to do with PCOS, infertility treatment. The pain was deep. It's taken me a year to face. Why I haven't gone to the gym in forever. Why I blissfully eat chocolate chip cookies until my sugar levels spike and I'm nauseous followed by a sugar crash and I'm lightheaded.
Why not? When was the last time you gave up sugar in all it's forms? It's not an easy lifestyle change. When was the last time you gave up coffee? Caffeine? Aspartame or any artificial sweeteners? Gluten? Sodium? Anything fried? Alcohol (not that I am a lush but I like the occasional glass of wine or draft), soy, dairy, xenoestrogens: pesticides, herbicides, conventional meat (given growth hormones), plastics (BPA, PCV, dioxin, etc.), fabric softener and dryer sheets, soy, beauty products (pthalates and petroleum-derived chemicals like parabens). Forever not just six days of the week with a cheat day on Saturday or my birthday or when my mom makes my favorite comfort food, or when I am invited over to your place for dinner. Everything not just fabric sheets and MSG.
Sugar is four times more addictive than cocaine.
I am becoming ancient. I want to be young and healthy.
The days are of waiting in adoption are just as long as the months of Infertility.
In January of last year at this time, I was looking at my 5 year diary this morning, we were enamored with a little one when we sat for an incredibly cold day learning about international adoption. I threw my heart into adoption. We left with more questions than answers as we began to investigate the adoption process and various countries open to adoption. We opened up an application with an agency within Taiwan in January. It was not until March that we heard we were accepted to a waiting list. During that period from January to March the process of adoption seemed so overwhelming. I was overjoyed to hear news in March and scoured the internet to learn of other families adopting from this same agency and how long their adoption process had taken. The outlook while hopeful was considerable and could be as long as three years. Over the summer I slogged through the mountain of paperwork for adoption as we learned we should move forward with arranging for our home study (such a relief since I don't know how I could ever troop through three years) within the province of Alberta and began to become more involved in the organization. I volunteered to assist with a fundraising campaign Project 117 for the agency and was curious to learn the direction this would take and how I might be utilized. November is adoption month and L and I found ourselves organizing a Taiwanese Bubble Tea fundraiser for Project 117, selling T-shirts and collecting change for the orphanage in Taiwan. We are pleased that within two months time the team I was a part of was able to raise $340,000. We were able to finish our Homestudy and are now awaiting only one signature by one government department before we can send it to Taiwan. Everyday at least one person asks me if we have a baby yet. If only finishing the home study meant that were true. I had hoped it would be ready before Christmas but have to yet to be patient. I every morning check either the mail or my email and sometimes twice a day. I have it as bad as I had it when I used to buy ovulation sticks and pregnancy tests.
And now it is January and this morning I peed on an ovulation stick. Gross! Somewhere in December I was searching for something in my closet of all things stashed and out of mind and found my bin of fertility supplements that I had spent hours researching. Somehow that bin found its way into my kitchen and while I've only in the last few days begun to take Vitex somewhere along the way I've begun to think why not? It's not one or the other. I still have some fight left.
My birthday approaches reminding me it's not just about having a baby it's about being healthy, living a life that's full, purposeful. I can hardly wait for this adoption and while adoption for us was our guarantee (I know crazy!) and maybe I will never ever give birth to a baby I think why not? Why not fight PCOS- this crazy metabolic disorder that takes every drip of sugar I eat and turns them into cysts that ravage my ovaries- maybe we will get lucky or maybe I will just get to live until 90+
Why not...that mindset to fight PCOS propels me...pushes me to read further. Pushes me right into the hearts of other women fighting for a babies life. That's why I put everything into the closet of all things stashed before, delegated all my blog posts to do with PCOS, infertility treatment. The pain was deep. It's taken me a year to face. Why I haven't gone to the gym in forever. Why I blissfully eat chocolate chip cookies until my sugar levels spike and I'm nauseous followed by a sugar crash and I'm lightheaded.
Why not? When was the last time you gave up sugar in all it's forms? It's not an easy lifestyle change. When was the last time you gave up coffee? Caffeine? Aspartame or any artificial sweeteners? Gluten? Sodium? Anything fried? Alcohol (not that I am a lush but I like the occasional glass of wine or draft), soy, dairy, xenoestrogens: pesticides, herbicides, conventional meat (given growth hormones), plastics (BPA, PCV, dioxin, etc.), fabric softener and dryer sheets, soy, beauty products (pthalates and petroleum-derived chemicals like parabens). Forever not just six days of the week with a cheat day on Saturday or my birthday or when my mom makes my favorite comfort food, or when I am invited over to your place for dinner. Everything not just fabric sheets and MSG.
Sugar is four times more addictive than cocaine.
I am becoming ancient. I want to be young and healthy.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
November Evenings
For the third night in a row I have been out. Sometimes I am glad that the week is whizzing by but at other times I long for the week to slow down as when I was in grade school.... It seemed forever for the day to pass then ...there was so much adventure to fit into each afternoon. So much to explore. I miss those lazy afternoon, making figure eights in the snow- long paths of footprints that intertwined and wove together looping playfully. Pretending. Playing.
This evening included a condo AGM that surprisingly only lasted an hour and did not require me to be called to the witness stand. I have successfully transferred that phase on to the next recruit who is fully capable to issue estoppel certificates and issue fines for payments in arrears.
The night before was Cubs - the band of boys intent on acquiring survival skills. I should have read Lord of the Flies when I was younger so that I would have more insight into these wild child minds. I was again surprised that rather than having to write an incident report for one of sculptures being knocked from the plinth to its demise the crew hung onto my words, asked questions and otherwise were a delightful tour group. Surprisingly I had fun. And then the museum of nature exhibit that sometimes feels like whopple ball was democratically considered by this band of boys - each taking a turn and dissecting each panel. The best is always when they entrust me to hear all their stories. It is such a privilege.
Despite being tired and wanting to sleep a thousand years I feel like this week has surprised me in so many ways. Typically I am double booked in a week by forces beyond myself and I have to extract myself from the least important of the two obligations.
Other good news includes: I was so excited to find in the mail my new iPad air from which I type this message. This Saturday it is to be sunny which means maybe I can pick up Oscar. I'm so excited. L purchased a dog carrier for an amazing price on kijiji. We finally finished all the home studies and edits and now awaiting a signature they are to be sent to the government. I thought someone had taken money from my mailbox meant for the fundraiser and instead I found it. I was able to on the evening I worked late at the gallery come in late that morning and in the mean time pull all the bedding from all the beds. Which you know what that means?!? One of my delights - fresh clean stiff sheets. Mmmm love! And I was able to clean my house from top to bottom- I have so much more energy in the morning when the sunshine is bursting in. My dad had his surgery to remove the umbrella and it was a success. (You've missed me haven't you? I experienced a miracle. I thought my dad was going to pass away at Thanksgiving -- we flew home when my mom called to say he was on life support and intubated. They flew him by Stars Ambulance first to Grande Prairie and then to the UofA Hospital in Edmonton. He survived by the grace of God! I am so thankful that he is recovering and that the damage is not more severe.)
This evening included a condo AGM that surprisingly only lasted an hour and did not require me to be called to the witness stand. I have successfully transferred that phase on to the next recruit who is fully capable to issue estoppel certificates and issue fines for payments in arrears.
The night before was Cubs - the band of boys intent on acquiring survival skills. I should have read Lord of the Flies when I was younger so that I would have more insight into these wild child minds. I was again surprised that rather than having to write an incident report for one of sculptures being knocked from the plinth to its demise the crew hung onto my words, asked questions and otherwise were a delightful tour group. Surprisingly I had fun. And then the museum of nature exhibit that sometimes feels like whopple ball was democratically considered by this band of boys - each taking a turn and dissecting each panel. The best is always when they entrust me to hear all their stories. It is such a privilege.
Despite being tired and wanting to sleep a thousand years I feel like this week has surprised me in so many ways. Typically I am double booked in a week by forces beyond myself and I have to extract myself from the least important of the two obligations.
Other good news includes: I was so excited to find in the mail my new iPad air from which I type this message. This Saturday it is to be sunny which means maybe I can pick up Oscar. I'm so excited. L purchased a dog carrier for an amazing price on kijiji. We finally finished all the home studies and edits and now awaiting a signature they are to be sent to the government. I thought someone had taken money from my mailbox meant for the fundraiser and instead I found it. I was able to on the evening I worked late at the gallery come in late that morning and in the mean time pull all the bedding from all the beds. Which you know what that means?!? One of my delights - fresh clean stiff sheets. Mmmm love! And I was able to clean my house from top to bottom- I have so much more energy in the morning when the sunshine is bursting in. My dad had his surgery to remove the umbrella and it was a success. (You've missed me haven't you? I experienced a miracle. I thought my dad was going to pass away at Thanksgiving -- we flew home when my mom called to say he was on life support and intubated. They flew him by Stars Ambulance first to Grande Prairie and then to the UofA Hospital in Edmonton. He survived by the grace of God! I am so thankful that he is recovering and that the damage is not more severe.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)